Praying hard prayers

God, I don’t understand why you are allowing this in my life.

Not exactly a pretty prayer.

Trusting God, even when life doesn’t make sense, is truly a test of faith.

What if God doesn’t answer my prayers as I prayed for them to be answered? That’s a tough question. All too well, I know about prayers not getting answered how I hoped they would be, so I should be able to answer that question. The truth is that I struggle with it every time I go through hard times. I pray and impatiently wait for things to get better. They have been known to get worse.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m standing before God, waving my arms frantically and saying, “Hello, God, it’s me. Remember that prayer I prayed? I need to see you doing something. Would you intercede quickly? Amen.” Not exactly my best spiritual moment.

And yet, I see nary a crack in the door to see hope.

What now, God? What am I supposed to do? Did my worries cause my faith not to be enough? Did my doubts erase the answers for which I asked?

These are not deep theological questions. They are the ponderings of a woman who struggles with unanswered or not-my-way-answered prayers. It can be brutal.

If there were a picture of my faith, it would show it to be battered and maybe a bit crooked. But … it is still firmly planted. God is good even when He does not answer my prayers as I asked.

Here’s the thing … God allows me to be hurt, overwhelmed, and broken, BUT He uses those things to bring about good. Read that again.

Don’t worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks for what you have. And because you belong to Christ Jesus, God’s peace will stand guard over all your thoughts and feelings. His peace can do far better than our human minds. Philippians 4:6-7 ERV

That is one of my go-to scriptures when life sends daggers to the most tender parts of my heart. Those parts are reserved for the things I hold dear.

My mother used to sing the hymn that says, “Many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand.”

My prayers could be more eloquent and fancier, but I talk to God as if he were someone I know personally … because I do. I often pray while I take a walk. Did you know walking and talking with your hands is possible while you pray?

I often use the Biblical Hebrew names for God in my prayers. They remind me of who God is…

El Roi, the God who sees. He sees my heart, thoughts, emotions, doubts, and fears.

Jehovah Rapha, the Lord who heals. He heals my emotional and physical hurts.

Jehovah Jireh, the Lord who provides. He provides in ways I never asked.

Using those names in my prayers reminds me of who God is and his ability to answer my prayers. I am also reminded that His ways are higher than mine.

This is my little prayer buddy made from leftover clay. (Photo provided by Janet Hart Leonard)

Trust is believing He is a good God. Faith is holding on to Him when I don’t get my way.

And if my prayers are not answered in the way I ask … He is still God, and He is still good.

I may not see the good that comes from my hurt until years later, but I genuinely believe that there will be good that comes from my pain. I’ve seen it in my life. Beauty rises from the ashes of broken dreams.

I remember some 20 years begging God to answer a prayer the way I wanted. I’m talking on my knees with tears streaming down my cheeks, begging. I struggled as I read Psalm 46:10. Be still and know that I am God.

Be still? How can I be still when my world is falling apart, and I’m being asked to do what looks impossible?

Here’s where that “faith” thing comes in. The true test of my faith is that even if I don’t get the answers I pray for, I still trust God. Even if…

What happened when I begged God in that prayer 20 years ago to answer it my way? He didn’t. My world fell apart, yet years later, I saw how God took my brokenness and brought beauty from it. That is part of my spiritual history. I have seen the hand of God in my life, and I am forever changed.

As I pray to God, being still, trusting, and having faith are all real challenges. Sometimes, I can only pray for His presence to be felt. I can be at peace when I feel His presence while I pray. It becomes more of a time of worship. My heart can then sing … but I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand. And with that, my heart sings … Amen.

Mom taught me about the scriptures being so important in my life and the value of a good old-fashioned hymn.

Now, I’ll be singing that song all day and praying, “Thank you, Lord, for holding my tomorrows and for holding my hand.”

Janet Hart Leonard can be contacted at janethartleonard@gmail.com or followed on Facebook or Instagram (@janethartleonard). Visit janethartleonard.com.