Do good manners still matter?

By NANCY KELLY SMITH
Civility Counts

Say “please”! Say “thank you”!

How many of us have instructed a child or grandchild to answer with a polite response to a kind or generous gesture? Most of us, I would expect!

Important to note, however, is that politeness is not the same as civility. Politeness is defined as “marked by correct social conduct.” To my understanding, civility is the courtesy and respect extended to another because of the recognition of that person’s value as a human being.

Then there is the “practices and forms prescribed by social convention or by authority” – in other words, etiquette. I think of etiquette as more of the “how to do things” in order to be polite.

Etiquette became a consideration for us when my husband and I were invited to dine at a very exclusive club by a former CEO of a major U.S. manufacturer. My husband felt a bit intimidated at the prospect of having to know what fork or spoon to use at a more complicated place setting.

Does it matter to know how to set a table? To be familiar with the purpose of all the utensils? To discover different ways in different cultures? Should consideration be given to the seating arrangement if someone is left-handed? Perhaps these questions are worth considering in terms of “Why is it meaningful?” During the dinner experience my husband and I had at the exclusive club, I tried to have a relaxed and enjoyable time, and my husband did just fine and enjoyed being with our host very much.

Going out to breakfast recently, my husband and I had a totally unexpected experience of encountering “civility.” The necessity of dropping off one of our cars at a dealership for repairs early in the morning in an area we were basically unfamiliar with meant we went for breakfast at a place nearby that we found online. (Later, the owner told us that most of her customers came from Carmel and Fishers.)

When handed a menu, I was astonished to read at the very top these words: EQUAL OPPORTUNITY KINDNESS AND RESPECT PRACTICED & EXPECTED HERE

What an appeal to civility! In response, the customer is to exercise good manners!

What was striking also was the atmosphere, the ambience of this little restaurant. Quirky knickknacks lined the shelves, and a colorful painting done by the owner hung on one wall.

The environment invited light-hearted relaxation and conversation. We had a delightful conversation with the owner before we left.

Of course, over time, what is considered to be “polite” or “appropriate” has undergone changes. In my world now, jeans can be worn almost anywhere at any time, and it’s been a long time since women were expected to wear hats in church!

But I believe some things shouldn’t change. It’s important to refrain from conversation when a person is speaking to a group and when at a concert or play. In a theater watching a movie, it’s certainly acceptable to cheer when Superman prevails or scream during a movie when the monster is about to devour Miami!

What shouldn’t change is expressing, in a significant way, our gratitude for a gift, or dinner invitation, or a special expression of love. Writing thank-you notes is a rarity now, but writing one could be especially meaningful in this society of electronic communication.

Let’s continue to teach our children and grandchildren to say “please” and “thank you” and become appreciative, considerate, and respectful of others. For me, these principles of civility are what REALLY matter!

Nancy Kelly Smith is a retired English professor and published author. She is also an Ambassador for the national civility organization Civic Renaissance. Learn more at civic-renaissance.com.