Who am I? Who are you?

“Oh, I loved English! It was my best class in high school!”

That response is what I often get when I share with someone that I am a retired English professor. I will often reply, “That’s wonderful!”

On the other hand, I might get a different response to sharing my background. Some people have asked somewhat nervously, “Oh, are you going to correct my grammar?” My reply is “No, I left my red pen at home!” in an effort to lightheartedly put that person at ease!

I understand why I have gotten these different responses over time. Of course, there is much more to my identity as an English educator! But to know that you would really have to get to know me. And it is so easy, isn’t it, to have first impressions of someone that result in assumptions without really knowing the person?

Once I was watching a television reporter interviewing people in the downtown of a major U.S. city. One by one, those approached answered the reporter’s question. I recall that the people wore traditional attire. Then a man spoke into the microphone, and I thought I had him “pegged”! As I recall, he wore a black leather jacket, thick chains, and black boots. He had a beard and looked somewhat scruffy. So my assumption was, “This guy is a biker, and he’ll probably answer in short, ungrammatical sentences!” To my astonishment, this man was more articulate, had better communication, skills than anyone previously interviewed! I realized then that my assumptions were wrong, and I had fallen into the “stereotype trap” – judging people by their appearance and assigning everyone from that group the same characteristics. My stereotype of “bikers” was that they were all illiterate. Not true!

When I was an undergraduate student at a state university, the “fraternity” called Potter Club (named after a war hero) was known on campus as “the Animals.” Spring 1970 was a semester of tremendous unrest on college campuses because of protests against the Viet Nam War.

Late one night while those of us in the women’s dorm were in bathrobes getting ready for bed, suddenly an urgent, LOUD pounding on doors began outside our rooms. When we came out and looked down into the lounge area, the men of Potter Club were frantically banging on our doors. My first thought was, “Oh, this must be some kind of fraternity prank.” But that thought vanished when we women heard the men shouting, “Get out! Get out! There’s a fire!” We scrambled and ran out of the building fast as lightning. We slept on the floor of another dormitory that night not knowing if our dorm had become an ash heap.

Fortunately, the next morning we saw that our dorm building was still standing and learned that someone had thrown a Molotov cocktail onto the piano in the adjacent lounge that night setting the fire and putting our lives at risk. But we had rescuers …

The men of Potter Club were not “animals” – they were heroes.

While it may be natural to have a first impression in the first seconds of meeting someone, to limit ourselves to that impression ignores the reality that people are complex. The same holds true for believing stereotypes of different groups.

To try and understand who I am, and for me to understand who you are takes time and listening well and an openness and desire to really know a human being. If we do this, civility in our society has a real chance to flourish.

Nancy Kelly Smith is a retired English professor and published author. She is also an Ambassador for the national civility organization Civic Renaissance. Learn more at civic-renaissance.com.