Ridiculousness, part 2: the games we played

Ah, being a kid in the ‘80s and ‘90s was quite the experience. Every generation remembers their childhood games differently. It’s either a “They don’t make them like they used to!” or a “How are we still alive?” mentality. I prefer the funnier of the two (the latter).

So, back by popular demand, I present Ridiculous Stuff from the ‘80s and ‘90s that we could never do now, part 2: the games we played. Before you start in on me, yes, I do realize none of these games were invented in the ‘80s or ‘90s, but they were my reality. So, there.

Red Rover

“Red rover, red rover – send Tim right over!” This was one of the last phrases I ever wanted to hear in grade school. If you’ve never had the pleasure of playing Red Rover, let me explain it. There are two parallel lines of several children holding hands. They are facing each other and there is probably a good 20-ish yards in between the lines. Once your name is called during the death chant I began this paragraph with, you are to let go of the hands you are holding and run as fast as you can between two arms on the other side. If you break through, you and the two unfortunate souls you just injured go back to the other side. If you don’t, you must stay on the side you just ran to. There are only two possible outcomes to each round. Either you win by breaking two people’s arms, or you lose by being clotheslined and wake up in the school infirmary. Either way, it’s tuition well spent.

Toy guns

Whether you played cops and robbers or pretended to be Rambo, if you were a kid in the ‘80s and ‘90s, you probably had a toy gun. And if you go back far enough, they didn’t even have an orange tip. Yep, that’s right, they looked just like the real thing. Nothing says childhood innocence like a realistic Smith and Wesson.

Lawn darts

Speaking of dangerous toys, try this foot-piercing game out for size. Take a giant, pointed, metal tipped dart and fling it into a hoop half a backyard away, with the other team standing right next to it. Add a few Hamm’s Lights and some kids and dogs running around, and you have yourself an ‘80s summer party. Think of it as cornhole with sharper beanbags and fewer toes.

Dodgeball

The ultimate game of “find the weakest and most vulnerable kid you can and whip a slightly heavier-than-it-should-be ball at their head. While my description may be crude, yet accurate, I still loved this game. So, I’m done talking smack about it.

Slip and Slides

The waterslide you can put in your backyard! This sounds like the most amazing idea since the Trapper Keeper. Add a baby pool and it’s an entire water park right there at your house.

I remember how excited I was to try it for the first time. After all, the kids in the commercials for it were all having a blast! I hooked the garden hose up to it, and I was all set. I started from WAY back, so I could get a lightning-fast leap. I ran as fast as I could, did my best flying Superman impression, and started on my glorious journey down the hose water landing strip. I very suddenly realized my yard was apparently not as flat and smooth as I thought it was. And the Slip and Slide certainly didn’t mask it. If you’ve ever veered just a little too far to the side on the interstate and hit the rumble strips, this is what was happening to my chest and stomach. I was smacking every bump, blade of grass, ant and rock underneath that giant yellow torture device. By the time I came to a screeching halt only halfway through the slide, I felt like I just went 10 rounds with Tyson. Maybe next time I’ll just play on the swings. Speaking of swings …

Metal Playgrounds

I have a lot of memories from my playground in the backyard. It was fully equipped with a swing, a slide, still rings, and monkey bars. I especially remember the fact that it was metal. Therefore, in July and August, it was the perfect storm of pain. Being that summer in Indiana can reach temperatures just shy of lava, I would wear shorts when I went outside to play. Well, if I’m already outside I might as well go down my beloved slide. No need to check the temperature of the slide itself. I’m sure it’s fine. Also, no need to worry about the fact that it smells like burning flesh as my hands sizzle all the way up the ladder. The breeze as I fly down the slide will surely cool them down. As I triumphantly start my descent, I’m sure the “sneakers on a basketball court” sound my legs are making from the friction on the slide itself is nothing to worry about. AAARRRGGGHHH!!! I’m pretty sure there are still bits of my burned-up thighs stuck to that slide to this day, wherever it is. Just thinking about it makes me need to cool down. Where’s that Slip and Slide?

Every generation will continue to improve the games they play, but us old geezers will still think the good ol’ days were always the best. You know, those good ol’ days we barely survived?

The moral of the story is … maybe new ideas are a good thing. The new ideas that keep us out of the hospital, anyway.

Tim Rathz can be reached at 40somethinginfishers@gmail.com. Follow on Facebook or Instagram.