I was visiting with my mom recently and we were looking through old photo albums. I mentioned that I was going to be writing my column later in the day and told her I was not exactly sure what I would write about.
She said, “Write about pictures. Pictures are a tremendous gift.”
I never regret taking and having tons of photos and videos to look back on. I wish that I had more of both from my childhood to see what my legs looked like then, or to see how my walking has changed throughout the years. I would give anything to be able to watch myself as I learned to walk with my disability.
My husband and I take a lot of pictures. Part of that for me is because I live with a progressive disease. I know my strengths I have today are likely to change. I want to remember the stronger times. Somehow that is helpful to me, although also a little sad at times.
It helps me to be grateful in the moment for the strength that I do have because I know, someday, I will look back on pictures of me now and wish I were still as strong as I am today.
With each decade my physical abilities have looked a little different.
In my childhood, although I could not run or jump, I was fortunate to be able to ride a bicycle. If there is one thing I remember about my early childhood elementary school years, it is riding that bike all over town almost every day. What fun that was!
As we continued through the albums, my mom said, “There is a closeness you get from looking at what used to be and how happy they can make you feel.” I totally agree.
She said, “Looking back at pictures is kind of a moment in heaven, they can transport you to the past with loved ones who have passed, and you are immediately back in that time in your life.”
Even the pictures from when I was a surly teenager are great to look back on! Those are just funny.
My husband makes a video every year that he puts to music of all the pictures and videos we take throughout the year. Those are such a gift to have to look back and remember those times. It is like being able to relax and relive the moments that were at times a little lost in the sometimes-stressful days of parenting.
Our boys also love to look back on these and go back in time in their own childhoods.
We were recently watching a video of our boys and their cousins dancing when they were little. In the video, my mom and sister even got up and joined in on the fun. I heard my voice off camera asking my husband to not video me dancing. That made me so sad.
I was sad that I did not feel comfortable enough in my own skin to just be myself. That I was even thinking about how my dancing looked compared to everyone else. I also regret that my boys heard me saying that about myself.
On my recent trip to Maine with my husband, I was fortunate to be able to do a few short “hikes.” It has been a while since I have done that after my bad fall over the summer.
He videoed a few moments of each of these “hikes.” I could not help but wonder if someday, I would look back on those moments and wish, if only I could get outside and walk on my own again.
We both feel the urgency for me to do all that I can while I still can. Living with a disease that continues to slowly rob me of abilities that I long to hold onto is not for the faint of heart. In many ways I feel grateful for having such acute awareness of physical abilities others may take for granted. It is a gift for both of us both, really.
I am glad that I am at a place where I can now look at myself on a video and embrace the person that I am. For so long, I was embarrassed of who I was. That is tough to even think about.
My mom is right; pictures are a tremendous gift documenting the life we have.
Until next time …
Amy Shinneman is a former National Ambassador for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, disability blogger, freelance writer, wife, and mom of two boys. You can find her blog at humblycourageous.com and reach her on Instagram @ashinneman.