Trick or treat. Smell my feet. Give me something good to eat! I think we all know the next lines, so I don’t need to finish.
It’s that time of year again when all the little ghosts and ghouls come out to fill their buckets and bags to the brim with sugar, sugar, sugar.
When I was growing up, the biggest disappointment was finally getting to put that costume on, only to have my mom tell me I have to wear a coat because it’s 20 degrees outside. He-Man doesn’t wear a coat, Mom!
Well, at least people can still see my mask. That cheap, thin plastic, rubber-banded mask with slits for eyeholes and a mouth hole so small that breathing was a chore. Plus, when it was time to yell, “Trick or Treat!”, all the candy giver can hear is “Mphf er Frmp!”
When you’re a kid and something feels weird in front of your mouth, the first natural instinct is to stick your tongue through it, of course. At that point the super thin, cheap plastic instantly gives your tongue a thousand little cuts, which then makes it so you can’t taste the candy you’ve worked so very hard for all night. Ah, the good old days!
Now that I have two little ones of my own, I experience Halloween in a whole new way. I get to walk the sidewalks with a beverage of choice and send my kids to a stranger’s door to get their goodies that I can later collect a “dad tax” on. Teehee!
But as I watch my kids experience their fright night of fun, I can imagine myself as a kid, taking inventory of my loot at the end of the night. If I try hard enough, I can look in my Halloween bucket from the 1980s and see what I got. Surely, it’s all my favorites, like Snickers bars and Reese’s Pieces and Reese’s Cups!
(Insert wavy lines for a flashback.)
Let’s see what’s in this bucket. Ah, here’s a candy necklace. Tasty, but difficult to eat. When I finish chomping the candy parts of it, I get a nice saliva string to play with. Great!
Ok, what else is in here? Wax bottle candy. I have absolutely no idea what to do with this. I think I’ll just chew on it for about two seconds and then immediately chuck it into the trash.
Let’s pull another treat. Oh, a ring pop! It’s like a sucker, but my hands are way stickier. It’s especially good when I forget I’m wearing it and pet the dog. Nothing better than a dog hair pop!
Now I see some candy cigarettes. Insanely inappropriate for children, but absolutely delicious!
Hey, there’s some Fun Dip! I have nothing bad to say about Fun Dip.
Next is a little bag of circus peanuts. You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s going in the trash right next to the wax bottles.
Ok, now I see someone chucked some pennies in here. I can’t wait to spend those 4 cents!
Now here we go. I see a box of rock candy. I’m pretty sure the only ingredient here is sugar. This candy is a dentist’s dream and I’m going to eat it all in one setting.
Let’s see, what’s at the bottom of this bucket? It feels long and there’s a little box of something with it. It must be something good that some thoughtful person tossed in my bucket! Ok, I have a hold of it now. It’s, it’s, it’s ……… a toothbrush and some dental floss. This is the most cruel and horrible of all tricks for Halloween. That house is definitely getting egged later!
Flash forward (wavy lines and all) to today. Man, I forgot how crappy some of the loot was when I was growing up. I think I need to be more thankful for today’s chocolatey, peanut-buttery selections that I get to steal from my kids after they’ve done all the work.
The moral of the story is … If a kid has gone through the trouble of dressing up, bundling up, and getting a bloody tongue, give them the good stuff! Otherwise, you’ll end up facing the wrath of a Spider-Man in a North Face.
Tim Rathz can be reached at 40somethinginfishers@gmail.com. Follow on Facebook or Instagram.