Let yourself be the helpee

I need to take a break this week from my Bringing Joy to the Workplace series to talk about a topic that’s been on my heart lately.

Some of my readers may have noticed I haven’t had regular columns in a few weeks. My father-in-law, who was 88 and had been battling throat cancer, passed away in our home on Sunday, April 28. Ron had been under hospice care for a few months in his home in Manteno, Ill., before coming here April 20. He died peacefully with both of his sons and daughters-in-law beside him.

If you’ve never been in this situation, it’s sad, scary, and overwhelming. It was an honor to take care of him alongside my husband, John. But for a couple of weeks, our world was turned upside down.

Family and friends began to reach out saying, “How can we help?” One couple, Matt and Cindy, offered to bring us lunch.

At first, I would say, “Oh, we’re good, we’ve got things under control.” This was BEFORE hospice dropped off the hospital bed and table and things began getting real. I thought being the good planner that I am that I would have everything figured out.

Some of you are probably laughing out loud at that statement.

After Ron arrived and I juggled working from home with caretaking responsibilities, I began to realize we had NOTHING under control. One of us had to be here with Ron all the time, which meant we had to cancel a lot of activities and check each other’s schedules constantly.

One day, Cindy texted me again to see how they could help. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I texted back, “I know you offered lunch … could you make it dinner instead?” This was incredibly hard for me.

I’m used to being the helper. I love to make meals and deliver them to people when they’re experiencing difficulty. I’m happy to run an errand for a friend or family member. Helping people is, simply, one of my favorite things in the whole world.

In fact, when one of my grant professional friends emailed me to see how things were going, I replied, “They’re okay … but I’m used to being the helper … not the helpee.” I didn’t think that “helpee” was a word, but it became one to me.

Soon my dear friend and business partner Anne offered to bring us dinner from my favorite Thai place. Our nieces Tyffini and Jessica ordered not just lunch, but dinner for us all on the Sunday that Ron passed away. Our sons Jonathon and Jacob mowed our lawn right after we moved Ron down here so my husband wouldn’t have to worry about that chore.

So many acts of kindness lifted huge burdens from our shoulders. It was such a relief.

As I reflect on these, I’m reminding myself of how I’ve felt in the past when someone I love is hurting and there’s nothing I can do to take away their pain. That’s when I go into helper mode. I may not be able to remove the pain, but I can ease it.

That’s what our friends and family were doing for us. It was my turn to be the helpee, and I had to wave the white flag and accept that role with humble gratitude.

Please, if you’re going through a painful situation in life, don’t turn away help from your family, friends, and others. They’re doing it with love that they’re eager to share. Let yourself be the helpee and be grateful. I certainly was.

To Matt, Cindy, Anne, Tyffini, Jessica, Jonathon, and Jacob, I offer tremendous thanks. I appreciate that you were the helpers to get us through this time in our lives.

Amy Shankland is a writer and fundraising professional living in Noblesville with her husband John, two sons, two dogs and a cat. You can reach her via email at amys@greenavenue.info.