A nudge from God, a dash of trust, attempted faith, rinse, and repeat. This is how I would describe my ongoing quest to strengthen my faith.
The nudge I felt recently could not be ignored. I kept getting the same idea placed on my heart. So much so that I gave in and committed to this request that was outside of my comfort zone.
After following through, I felt confident about it, which is uncharacteristic of me. Even a little too confident. But I kept going back to the thought I had at the beginning of this year.
Ruminate on the best-case scenario until I have a reason not to.
When I get these nudges and follow through, my expectation is that it will work out. A reward for my obedience. This time, it did not. I felt confused. My first thought was that my discernment is rusty.
But perhaps it is less about getting what I perceived to be something I wanted or needed, and instead more of an exercise in strengthening my trust muscles. A testing of the faith. Preparation for something bigger than my imagination can ruminate on.
What if the test becomes the lesson and that is the reward?
Growing up, my faith was built on a brittle foundation. It was made up of all the wrong qualities. I just was not aware that it was. It was more of a “give a little” and “expect a lot” type of faith.
I watched others who prayed big prayers for healing or goodness to come their way. Their prayers were often answered. I wondered why my prayers remained unanswered. Was I being punished for my imperfect faith?
That is how it felt to me most of the time that I spent in the decades searching for my diagnosis.
What if the reward is in the unanswered prayer? My faith was far too underdeveloped to grasp that concept. It is so hard to see through our pain in periods of waiting. Longing for answers or healing. Everything just feels never ending and dark. Bottomless.
My pleading with God was always, “If you do this for me, I promise to better.” If I got what I thought I needed, then I would be more faithful and trusting.
I was rushing the process. Tempted to quit too early. Not opening myself up to the fact that I may not know what is best for my life. That is what faith is all about. Being ready to accept that we do not see the full picture, just a sliver. There was always the faintest voice I heard that said don’t give up yet.
While I still would not wish 44 years of waiting for something so important on my worst enemy, I do see the positives in it now. I see the lessons and rewards. I see the beautiful people placed in my waiting period.
It is fascinating to look back on that time with the perspective I have now that I am on the other side of it. I am in awe of much of it.
I had a little faith, and that was enough. I will continue to have my faith tested. Life often is full of trials along with temptations to give up.
The familiar cycle will continue. Similar to my diagnostic journey, I need to remind myself to have patience with God’s timing. I want to live in gratitude for the blessings He has made a part of my everyday life. Living in the present moment.
Until next time …
Amy Shinneman is a former National Ambassador for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, disability blogger, freelance writer, wife, and mom of two boys. She is the recipient of the Reporter’s Winter 2025 Ink-Stained Wretch award. You can find her blog at humblycourageous.com and reach her on Instagram @ashinneman.