We often say at the office, “you can’t make these things up.” Life is stranger than fiction, as any lawyer can tell you. Many years ago, and in a different place, I was involved in one of the strangest cases.
The examination went something like this:
Q: Is it true that you have a six-foot electrified fence around your home?
A: Yes.
Q: Isn’t that dangerous?
A: No, it’s inside the moat.
Q: Please describe the moat.
A: It is a moat of water surrounding my house.
Q: If you have a moat around your house, how do you gain access to your home?
A: You push the button at the entrance to the covered bridge. Once inside and after the door shuts, a new door will open, allowing you access to the premises.
Q: Why do you have a moat and a covered bridge access?
A: I have 50 Rottweilers.
Q: Is it true that you have a jail cell in your basement?
A: Yes.
Q: Why do you have a jail cell in your basement?
A: I have spent so much time in jail that I wanted to feel at home.
Q: Are the doors to the cell lockable?
A: Yes, but I have a loose rebar that allows me to escape if I want to.
Such was the general tenor of the examination. It continued something like this:
Q: Is it true that you brought 12 dogs with you today?
A: No, I only brought seven. Five of them are puppies.
Q: Aren’t puppies dogs?
A: (silent stare)
The examination then went downhill when the witness was caught in a lie, whereupon violence ensued. The witness threw a cup of water, and if not for his very strong attorney sitting between us, would have engaged in fisticuffs. The police were called, and it was then that I learned lawyers, in the course of their work, meet the statutory definition of public safety officers. It is a felony to assault a public safety officer, so charges were filed against the perpetrator.
A couple weeks later, the police informed me that the witness had been found in Florida. Would it be acceptable not to extradite him as long as he stayed 300 miles or more away from the county? As that seemed to be a practical result, for no real harm had been done, I readily agreed.
Attorneys can be victims of crimes but often also help in reversing the process. The attorney/client privilege of confidentiality allowed return of a stolen tractor by delivering it to the sheriff’s department. No questions could be asked. Other similar events with other types of property have occurred as well.
Lawyers also encounter surprising answers that come out in court. Questions after examination by the opposing attorney had ended:
Q: Didn’t you just tell me a few minutes ago in the hallway, when we took a break, that you were so drunk that you didn’t remember what happened?
A: Yes.
Redirect exam by the opposing attorney:
Q: How many drinks did you have?
A: One.
Q: What was it?
A: I believe it was a fifth of whiskey.
In another case a witness was asked:
Q: Isn’t it true that you have rats?
A: No, that’s why I have the weasels.
Another witness had this exchange with a judge:
Q: If you don’t have a bathroom in the house, how do you use the toilet?
A: I use the squat and plop method.
Q: How do you wash up for school?
A: I wash in the gas station on the way to school.
Ripley’s Believe It or Not said it – truth is stranger than fiction.