Let them, part 2

No, Readers, you’re not hallucinating – this is still Amy Shankland’s column, not Jan Hart Leonard’s. However, as some of you have figured out, four Reporter columnists regularly meet as “Word Warriors,” with two of them being Jan and me.

When Jan told me she was going to write about The Let Them Theory, the incredible book by Mel Robbins, I was thrilled. She had loaned me the book in February, and I read it. Twice. As in, I finished the last sentence, then instantly turned back to the beginning to read the entire thing again.

In fact, I’m buying my own copy and getting my sons copies as well (I understand Chapter Book Lounge carries it … although they may now have quite the demand for it!)

While Jan talked about how the book helped her with people who didn’t like her, or judged her, etc., the book helped me more with giving up trying to control other people’s behavior. I’m sure I’m the only one who wants to do this, right? Well, at least that’s what it used to feel like.

Turns out that most of us want to control others. We want to whoosh in and stop them from, say, unhealthy habits or behaviors … or from leaving their dishes out on the counter when the empty dishwasher is right there … or from making poor financial decisions … or thousands of other examples.

And yes, we should certainly guide children, as Mel Robbins points out. But adults? Sure, we can help them – if they ask for help or advice. But otherwise, we need to Let Them.

Let them eat two pieces of cake when they’re supposed to be watching their sugar.

Let them leave the dishes out, knowing they’ll get to it later … later than you want, but still, later.

Let them buy the brand-new car when you know that a gently used one would make more sense.

It’s difficult in the beginning. I remember the first time I used this theory one weekend morning when someone in my household wasn’t doing something the way I would have (gasp!) I had to quietly repeat “let them” to myself 15 times that day – no exaggeration.

But guess what? Instead of each of us getting grumpy with the other, we ended up having a wonderful Sunday morning. I was so thrilled that I drove over to Jan’s house and hugged her to thank her for loaning me the book.

As Jan also pointed out, the Let Them process doesn’t stop with that first step. You have to move on to step two, which is Let Me.

Let me take a deep breath and enjoy this moment instead of harping. Let me absorb the conversation around our dining room table. Let me realize that this person’s way still produced the same result.

And if it’s a bigger issue, where you feel with all your heart and soul that this person needs to change, you’re not powerless. You can still work to influence their behavior. It may work. It may not. But it’s so much better than fretting and getting anxious/worked up/ready to scream all the time.

My world has been so much better these last six weeks. Obviously, Jan and I are big fans of this life-changing book. We hope you buy a copy, check it out from the library, or give the audio book version a listen. You’ll end up NOT trying to control others and instead, enjoy controlling your own emotions and sense of peace.

Amy Shankland is a writer and fundraising professional living in Noblesville with her husband John, two sons, two dogs, and a cat. You can reach her via email at amys@greenavenue.info.