Bittersweet joy

If you’ve ever lost someone, you know that certain days, songs, anniversaries, stories, holidays, and milestones can evoke emotion from the deepest part of your core. Out of nowhere, something small can hit like a ton of bricks and make you realize how desperately you miss someone.

Sometimes you tell yourself that you’re more healed, and then something will happen where you realize that you’ve moved on simply for the fact that life carries on and you don’t have a choice. It’s not so much that you’re healed, but more so you just didn’t have a choice.

There’s a day we lost my dad 16 years ago. It’s always a day that I take an extra deep breath when I see it coming up on the calendar. In fact, even as I write this column, I don’t like seeing the date in print. It is a day that has shaped the course of my life and many others in our family. It’s a day I normally just try to “power through” and draw the least amount of attention to. It’s a day that 16 years later doesn’t really get any easier. It’s a day for 16 years I’ve wondered what my life would look like today if it had never happened.

Photo provided by Megan Rathz

This year, however, on the same dreaded day, my sister told me that my sweet nephew’s Baptism was going to take place. My immediate thought when hearing this was: why would you pick such an awful day for such a beautiful event?

As the day drew closer, we also got the joyous news that my nephew’s adoption finalization date also happened to be that same week. This Baptism was not just a celebration of new life, but also the bookend to a very long journey for our entire family with the adoption process. It was a day we all prayed for and longed to celebrate.

As the day approached, I was flooded with so many emotions. It happened to take place during a very emotional week as we also had the funeral of a loved one, which turned into a joyful reunion with people I love and care about from my childhood. There was peace made that I did not realize how badly my heart needed.

Standing at the Baptismal font and watching this perfect little baby be celebrated and given a new life in Jesus saved me all over again. The same waters that gave my nephew new life also cleansed my soul and helped me heal. He saved me from constantly having to dread a stupid date on the calendar and gave me joy and a reason to smile on a day that I wish didn’t exist.

I was talking to someone that week after sharing how emotional the week was who said, “All joy is a bit bittersweet when someone is missing.” That statement really struck me because it’s just so true. The happiest events are always a little sad just because someone I love so much who should be here is not. Instead of running from it, I think just acknowledging that life is bittersweet, and if I didn’t love him so much, I wouldn’t struggle so much in his absence.

Of course, I will always remember what happened that day and the way it changed the trajectory of my life, but it is no longer just a day of sadness; it is one of new life, fresh starts, healing, reconciliation, and a cleansing of my heart as my Godson was placed in the waters of new life.

Megan Rathz is a wife, mother, and teacher. She says everything she has ever learned in life came from her Master Gardener mother.