I live by a code. Sure, it’s a code that I break and change constantly, but a code nonetheless. Some would refer to it as “guy code” or even “bro code.” I’m calling this list of rules Guy-mandments (at least for the purposes of this column).
Guy-mandments are a specific set of rules that guys have to follow or risk being ousted from Guy-dom and suffer embarrassing ridicule. Now that I’ve properly mansplained it, here is a list of 12 of these rock-solid directives that will make sure you have a mockery-free existence. Unless, of course, you’re a woman. In which case you don’t care and already realize this is absolutely ridiculous. Either way, here we go …
I. If it is sprinkling rain, thou must not turn on thy windshield wipers until visibility is almost zero. Or until thy wife reacheth over from the passenger side to turn them on.
You know that little annoying dribble rain? If you are a guy, you understand that you must not show weakness, so therefore no little sprinkle is going to force you to turn on your wipers. You must, indeed, wait until you almost drive into a ditch before clearing the windshield. And even then, you only use one single wipe. You may then repeat it when you almost wreck again. That way, other drivers don’t think you’re a wienie who can’t handle a little mist. There is judgment everywhere!
If you are married, you also know that your wife will, indeed, reach over and do it herself out of frustration. And she will usually do that a good two minutes before you were planning to do it. When this happens, do not argue. Just let it happen. The other judgy drivers will see your wife next to you and understand what happened.
II. When thou maketh s’mores over an open fire, thou must catcheth said marshmallow on fire until it is a crispy piece of charcoal.
Everyone loves s’mores. But when you’re a guy, you love s’mores AND you love fire. Some people like to keep the sweet treat a few inches above the flame to get that perfect shade of brown. Not guys. We cram that fluffy mouth pillow directly into the blue part of the flame, like it’s the 1692 Witch Trials. What comes out is a perfectly blackened, gooey man treat.
III. When thou haveth children, thou must tell the worst eyeroll jokes ever.
There is nothing that makes a dad prouder of himself than when he knows he nailed a horrifically corny dad-joke. He waits all day long just to hear his kid say, “I’m hungry.” Everyone runs for the hills at that point, because they know what is coming next … “Hi, hungry, I’m Dad!”
IV. When thine football team scoreth a touchdown, thou shalt immediately high-five someone. Giving knuckles is also acceptable, but if thou dost this, thou must blow it up.
Few things are more exciting than when your favorite team crosses the goal line. As a guy, when our sports teams score, we have to let that excitement out. Otherwise, we could possibly spontaneously combust. Trust me, it’s science. That being said, the easiest way to do this is to find the closest human (friend or stranger) and immediately high five. If you choose to give knuckles instead, afterward you must blow it up like your palm is an M-80.
V. When thou haveth children, thou must have them pull thine finger.
I think this is self-explanatory.
VI. Whilst thou art at a cookout, thou must not criticize another man’s food or grill technique.
This is standard man-code. When it comes to grilling there is no commenting on his food unless it is a compliment, no touching his grill, and no cooking advice unless asked for (however, no man will ask for advice while cooking).
VII. If thou hast both male and female offspring, thou must be gentle with the girl and hardeth on the boy.
Having children is a blessing. If you are a man who happens to have both a girl and a boy, then you know that your precious little girl has you wrapped around her finger, while the boy is a crazy, smelly fartbag who must be contained. You love them both equally, but parenting them requires very different approaches. The boy usually needs some toughening up to prepare him for a professional football career, so he can buy his parents a lake house. Whereas the girl will forever be your baby and any crazy, smelly fartbags who come near her must be dealt with. Because ultimately, she will be the one to keep me out of the nursing home. And, to be honest, she is probably the one that buys me that lake house.
VIII. When thou hast an itchy back, thou must findeth an outfacing corner in your abode in order to scratcheth it.
Itchy back? Find a corner in your house. Problem solved. When one of my children buy me that lake house I will make sure there are corners built in for just that purpose.
IX. When thou art talking about thine favorite team, thou shalt refer to said team as “we.”
When you’re a man, you understand that as a fan, you are a part of that favorite team. Even though you don’t play, coach, own, or act as a General Manager of said team, or have anything to do with them whatsoever, you know that every cheer, boo, and superstition is why they win. Again … science. So that’s why I say, “WE played great last night,” even though I was sitting on the couch, eating nachos, and drinking beer while watching the game.
X. When thou passeth an electric fan, thou must put thine face close to it and sayeth, “Luke, I am your father.”
This is a given and must be done every single time. Yes, I know that’s not technically the actual line, but it is widely accepted and better for the comedic purposes of this column.
XI. When thou dost not feel well, thou shalt revert to baby status.
This scenario is what is known as “man flu.” While we act like chest beating barbarians most of the time, when we come down with a sniffle it’s all over. We immediately revert to infancy and need to be waited on hand and foot. Sure, my wife went through childbirth and her epidural didn’t work, but does she really know what it’s like to have a clogged left nostril and a mild headache at the same time? I think not.
XII. Whilst shopping for something manly, thou must always pretendeth to know what thou art doing.
When you go to buy a manly item, like a truck or a grill, sometimes it can be intimidating. The last thing you need is for someone to think that you are lost or don’t know what you’re doing, even if that is the absolute truth. So, just walk around and pick random specific things to look at and pretend to read the product info, so it looks like you know exactly what you want.
While this is not an exhaustive list, I chose to do 12 of these instead of 10 so no one would think I’m trying to compare myself to Moses. Although I’m quite positive he followed these Guy-mandments as well. At least after the ones that God gave him on the mountain.
The moral of the story is…We know, as men, that most Guy-mandments are pretty stupid, but must be followed at all costs. No matter how moronic or immature they may seem, it is best to follow them and avoid ridicule by fellow barbarians.
Notice I didn’t title this THE 12 Guy-mandments. Just a simple 12 Guy-mandments. That leaves me open for a sequel column. See what I did there?
Tim Rathz can be reached at 40somethinginfishers@gmail.com. Follow on Facebook or Instagram.
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