Morphing into nerd dad

If you’ve seen the Dr. Rick commercials for Progressive Insurance, you may be able to relate to some of the scenarios. The commercials are about a doctor who is trying to help “patients” from turning into their parents in a process called “Parentomorphosis.” They are filled with some stereotypes of getting older. I laugh and laugh when I see them … until I realize that these commercials are about me!

The commercials have opened my eyes to some of my own nerd dad behaviors that began when I became a homeowner and accelerated after having children. With every passing day, I find myself getting worse. My kids are still young enough that they don’t yet feel the full force of the embarrassment. But in a few years, they will be older and very aware of the horrors of having parents. By then, my condition will have worsened, and I’ll be beyond help.

DIY

There was a time in my life that I’d never consider any sort of DIY home repairs. If something broke, it was either time to call in a professional or learn to live without it. Eh, who needs hot water, anyway? Now, when that day comes calling, I strap on my tool belt, fill it with all four of my tools and pull up YouTube on my phone. The last step is to pray to God I don’t get electrocuted or burn the house down.

Grilling

Another sign of my age is my obsession with grilling and smoking meats. While my family has benefited greatly from this passion, I constantly feel myself slipping into the dad zone. I have every tool and unnecessary gadget known to man for this summertime nightly grunt-fest. And of course, I don’t take any advice for this, oh no. Surely, I’m the world’s foremost expert on animal carcasses and fire. All I have to do is throw on my “License to Grill” apron and get to work.

Weather

Does any other 40-something out there have a weather obsession that never existed in your 20s? Oh, I do. If the news (yes, nowadays I watch the news at night) says there are potential storms coming next week, you can find me staring up at the sky or analyzing weather data online that I don’t actually understand but pretend that I do. If a cumulonimbus cloud forms, you can bet I’ll be the first to let you know!

Lawn

Another joy in my life is pretending I’m a lawn expert. It is my goal to make sure my grass is always a perfect three inches tall. I often fail at this, but it’s good to have goals. There are several bare patches that I will plan to seed, but never will. And when those dandelions bloom every spring, I swear this is the last year I let that happen.

But when I do cut my grass, the best part is sitting on my porch judging everyone else who didn’t cut theirs on that particular day. I have half a mind to complain to the HOA right now!

Practicality 

I stopped buying clothing for style years ago. Some would claim that I have never been in style. But things have gotten worse in recent years and by the time my kids hit middle school, they will most likely never want to be seen with me in public. All my clothes have a practical purpose. Cargo shorts now allow me to carry my unnecessary things with me at all times, visors block the sun while letting heat escape my head and Hawaiian shirts allow for armpit air flow. Brand names left my vocabulary a long time ago. My only update would be moving from white, New Balance shoes to Hokas. It’s like walking on clouds!

Strength in numbers 

I have a text string with some of my buddies that we usually use for talking about sports. Recently, it’s been all about the Pacers. The other day, during a Pacers finals game, we were spewing our usual man grunts when, out of nowhere, the conversation turned from complaining about the refs to prepping for a colonoscopy. To this day, I can’t tell you how that happened. I just know we all contributed to the topic.

My beautiful wife, Megan, has also joined my ranks. We were driving around running errands one day and she told me we need to stop by Target to pick up an order. I asked what we were getting. It turned out to be only two items: a muscle pain relief cream and Werther’s Original hard candies. Dr. Rick is not impressed.

In conclusion, it is futile to think we won’t start doing kid-embarrassing things as we grow older. It’s best to just embrace it and enjoy the process of making them hide their faces.

The moral of the story is: If my kids start to get a little too comfortable … it’s time to bust out the dad jokes.

Tim Rathz can be reached at 40somethinginfishers@gmail.com. Follow on Facebook or Instagram.