Announcer: Spanning the county to bring you the constant variety of sports . . . the thrill of victory . . . and the agony of defeat . . . the human drama of athletic competition . . . to boldly go where no man has gone before . . . in a galaxy far, far away . . . in space, no one can hear you scream . . . this is WUKR Radio’s Narrow World of Sports.
Sportscaster #1: I’m Sven Shuttlecock.
Sportscaster #2: I’m Slate Palmer.
Sportscaster #1: We start today in Duck Beak, Indiana, with the Quicksand Long Jump Championships.
Sportscaster #2: Sven, the last-minute addition of a quicksand pit definitely makes the long jump track and field event much more exciting to watch.
Sportscaster #1: Kicking off the first heat is Bo Braun who has just been informed by his coach about the pit recently being filled with quicksand. Bo’s much-bigger teammates encircle him. They close in tightly for what appears to be a ceremonial group hug.
Sportscaster #2: That’s not a group hug, Sven. It’s a group headlock. They’re now forcing Bo to the long jump area.
Sportscaster #1: Bo’s flailing. He really seems reluctant to jump, Slate.
Sportscaster #2: My guess is it’s because of the whole quicksand thing.
Bo: I DON’T WANT TO JUMP FIRST!
Sportscaster #1: Bo’s now being passed over his teammates’ heads to the check mark. It’s like we are witnessing a human sacrifice, Slate.
Bo: MOMMY!
Sportscaster #2: Sven, let’s pause in the action and take our listeners to Manure Stench Township for the Pickle Ball finals being covered by our new intern.
Intern: When I learned my assignment was to cover something called Pickle Ball, I thought I was being sent to some paganistic, mid-summer, hick, haybarn social. You know, a ball! A dance! Not a sporting event. What is Pickle Ball anyway!? Is it for people who are too lazy to play real tennis? Do pickles even bounce? Why do I have to cover Pickle Ball? Pickle Ball! Seriously?
Sportscaster #1: Now let’s go to Catfish Calhoun who is doing play-by-play at the Tri-County Horseshoe Tournament.
Catfish Calhoun: Thanks, Sven and Slate. Talk about excitement. It’s like horseshoe Armageddon out here. We’ve already experienced six concussions this morning due to recent rule modifications allowing for defensive maneuvering during each pitch. Now, players can use any parts of their bodies, except for their hands, to block an opponent’s pitch. Ouch! Did you just hear that THONK, radio listeners? Another skull shot! Make that seven concussions! The gurney boys are earning their pay today. Here comes the next pitch . . . it’s a perfect release . . . a high-arching flip-shoe . . . there’s no wobble at all . . . the horseshoe is going straight for the peg . . . it is destined to be a ringer . . . but, wait . . . the defense has just stepped between the shoe and the peg . . . OMG . . . the horseshoe just wrapped around the defensive player’s neck instead of the peg . . . The judges confer. It’s a ringer! Three points! Holy moly. And, yep, you guessed it, here come the gurney boys . . .
Announcer: Stand by for an obligatory public service announcement—
PSA Intro: Dan Fogelberg can be heard singing, “Born in the valley, and raised in the trees . . .”
Commercial Spokesperson: Hi, I’m Sally Smothers. Did you know that thousands of horses are now shoeless? All because of hill-jack poachers who are stealing shoes from the horses’ feet and selling them to horseshoe tournament promoters. I am asking you to help return lost dignity to our abused, bare-hooved friends by donating your used loafers, boots, and sneakers to Shoe The Horses International. Maybe the day will come when, through your kindness and footwear donations, these poor equine creatures can Run For The Roses too. Please, do not send stilettos or flipflops – these are horses after all.
PSA Outro: Dan Fogelberg can be heard singing, “. . . and it’s high time you joined in the dance . . . ”
Sportscaster #1: Welcome back to Duck Beak and the Quicksand Long Jump Championships where Bo Braun is being forced by his teammates to make his initial approach run toward the quicksand pit.
Sportscaster #2: Bo’s stride looks strong.
Sportscaster #1: Bo has liftoff!
Sportscaster #2: Bo’s soaring!
Sportscaster #1: Bo’s sinking!
Sportscaster #2: His struggle to escape only seems to make the quicksand angrier.
Sportscaster #1: Bo has vanished from sight, radio listeners!
Panicked Track and Field Official: Send in the frogmen!
Sportscaster #2: Ten minutes have passed. Still, no frogmen have resurfaced.
Panicked Track and Field Official: Send in more frogmen!
Sportscaster #1: They’re sending frogmen into the quicksand to find the missing frogmen.
Sportscaster #2: Twenty minutes. Still, no one has resurfaced. Maybe frogmen and quicksand aren’t simpatico.
Sportscaster #1: Oh, the humanity.
Announcer: You’ve been listening to WUKR’s Narrow World of Sports. Join us next week for the Wham-O Slip ’N Slide Slalom Rooftop Challenge. What could possibly go wrong? Tune in to find out.