If you’re an empty nester like me, chances are you carry something called a mental load. Some call it mental labor. This is not to be confused with emotional labor.
Arlie Hochschild talked about emotional labor in her 1983 book, The Managed Heart: Commercializations of Human Feeling.
In a November 2018 Atlantic Magazine interview, Hochschild stated, “Emotional labor, as I introduced the term in The Managed Heart, is the work, for which you’re paid, which centrally involves trying to feel the right feeling for the job. This involves evoking and suppressing feelings. Some jobs require a lot of it, some a little of it.”
Mental labor, or the mental load, involves the many – and extremely varied – tasks that are involved in managing a household and/or workplace. This topic has exploded over the past few years, especially for women.
I wrote and published a book on the mental load in early 2020 called Lighten Your Mental Load … right before the pandemic hit. Not the best of timing. Because of this, not many people read it. But it has tremendous value and I’d like to share tips from it in the weeks and months to come in this column.
As stated in an October 2017 Washington Post article, “The constant stress of trying to stay organized – and to remember to execute so many tasks every single day – is affecting women’s relationships with their spouses, children, friends, and colleagues. They are experiencing mental, emotional, and physical fatigue trying to stay on top of it all.”
Graphic provided by Business Wire
An online Business Wire graphic featured in my book summarizes the situation well. Female breadwinners often run the show at home and at work. Seventy-one percent manage family finances, 70 percent register their kids for extracurricular activities, and 34 percent handle home maintenance.
Yes, many times the mental load is carried by women. However, I know some men have it as well. My brother Mark is one of them. I interviewed him for my book to get a picture of one of his typical days.
Mark captures all his “to dos” every morning. He not only worked in the insurance industry, but owned his own business called Expo Design. Here’s what Mark had on his list for the day in his Florida home when I spoke with him a few years ago:
- Go through insurance tasks
- Review Expo Design tasks
- Remove bushes
- Take dishes out of dishwasher
- Set up the bedroom for guests
- Prepare for upcoming Tony Robbins course
- Call Matt and review everything for Expo
- Get financials done
- Put up signs in house
- Clean golf cart
- Get in a bike ride
- Call Anthem about medical claims
- Review 401(k) for this year
- Make sure the Schwab account is all set up with new stocks
- Take out the garbage
- Wash sheets and blankets
Suddenly I didn’t feel so alone in feeling overwhelmed!
According to a November 2017 report from the U.S. Census, over 16 percent of households in the United States are led by single dads. That’s just over 52 million men. I find it hard to believe they don’t have some sort of mental load going all the time! Millions of other men around the world are lugging it around, too.
So, it’s obvious what this series won’t do – it won’t just focus on women. It may often highlight women’s struggles, but it will recognize the load that everyone carries. I’m excited to share tips with you through this column. Stay tuned!