He decided to break the ice with himself

By SCOTT SAALMAN

Scaramouch

I self-published my first book 28 years ago: Break The Ice: 200 Fun Question to Help Break the Ice at Business Meetings, Training Sessions and other Gatherings. What it lacked in plot, it made up for in questions. Two hundred questions to be exact. It was the reader’s job to provide the answers.

Even in 1994 the book’s content was a bit outdated since some questions referenced drive-in movies, 8-track tapes, Gilligan’s Island, and other topics tied to nostalgia.

I had forgotten about “Break The Ice” until my daughter, Delaney, recently texted me a photo of a copy in her possession while she and her husband took a vacation. “Road trip classic,” she captioned the text.

Later, she admitted that she had to Google what a CB handle was, referencing the book’s Question #8, “What was your CB handle in the 1970s?”

I joked that CBs were to the ‘70s what texting is to The Now. “Moon Shadow” was my CB handle, inspired by that Cat Stevens’ song. Unfortunately, “Dream Weaver” was taken by an uncle.

I was happy to know my little book of 200 questions was still being useful, helping my daughter and son-in-law learn more about each other despite being married for two years. Of course, I couldn’t help but retrieve my old copy. It was time to break the ice with myself.

Question #40: What is the name of a movie you saw at a drive-in?

Irwin Allen’s “The Poseidon Adventure.” My parents took me to see it at the Starlite Drive-In in 1972. It was about a cruise ship flipped by a rogue, 90-foot tidal wave out on the briny. Most of the script involved an upside-down movie set showing survivors trying to climb and swim their way “up” to the ship’s bottom. It was the coolest movie a seven-year-old boy could possibly see – my first-ever disaster flick. Ernest Borgnine! Gene Hackman! What was not to like! Here it is 50 years later, and I still can’t bring myself to board a cruise ship.

Question #60: What is the title of a 45 rpm record that you owned?

In the 1970s, I owned hundreds of 45 rpm records. I bequeathed them to my younger brother when I went to college. I never saw them again. I’d kill to have them now. My first 45 rpm record was “Blinded By The Light,” by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, which, by the way, was written by Bruce Springsteen. Despite hearing the song hundreds of times (including Bruce’s recording), I still don’t understand 75 percent of the lyrics. It’s like the aftermath of a rhyming dictionary explosion. I still love both versions though.

Question #70: What is the most memorable sporting event you ever saw?

Easy. The 1980 Wimbledon Championship between Borg and McEnroe. After I watched that grueling, dramatic, grass-court match, I was inspired to take up the sport. I begged my parents for a Head tennis racquet, which was fairly expensive, and became obsessed with the game. It wasn’t unusual to play two or three matches a day in the scorching Southern Indiana heat. I was a scrappy, top-spinning, dive-on-the-asphalt, loudmouthed, human backboard type of player. The inner sides of my tennis shoes would rip after a couple of matches, and I would wrap them with black electrician’s tape.

In my early 30s, I ripped my ACL while stepping on a rock during a backcourt forehand, and that was all she wrote for my Wimbledon dreams. I haven’t even played doubles since my 40s, but my tennis court times remain my fondest memories.

Question #90: What is the worst decision you ever made?

There’s no way I will answer that one publicly. I’m no fool.

Question #107: Where were you when you experienced your first kiss?

Brian King’s basement. Seventh grade. In a closet. Spin the Bottle.

Question #117: If you suddenly became the leader of a musical group, what would you name it?

Courtesy Flush.

Question #128: Where can you find the best cheeseburger?

Saxony Pizzeria in Fishers. The $6.99 double cheeseburger Tuesday night special is my Cheeseburger in Paradise.

Question #130: What was one of the first 33-1/3 rpm record albums you owned?

Simple. On the Christmas that I was given my first “stereo” turntable, I received two complementary albums: Cat Stevens’ Greatest Hits and Kiss Destroyer. Who knew Kris Kringle was a Kiss fan?

Question #131: In your opinion, what is the greatest thing since sliced bread?

Back when this book was published, my answer was likely the Diaper Genie. Just as my infant son needed perpetual changing, so did the Diaper Genie, which, during its changings, brought to mind poop sausages, each of our baby boy’s plastic-encased A-bombs attached to the payload released before it and after it.

With diapering duty long behind me now, today, my answer to Question #131 would be: the Payday candy bar. I’m nuts for the Payday. You can get three for the price of two at Kroger.

Question #135: What famous person has someone said you remind them of?

Woody Harrelson. I don’t see it, but you’d be surprised how many strangers have asked, “Are you Woody Harrelson?” Sometimes I play along and regale them about the filming of Cheers. Anything for a free beer.

Contact: scottsaalman@gmail.com. Buy Scott’s humor books on Amazon.