I sit in the silence. It’s the early morning hour before the world is waking up. The sun has yet to peek over the eastern horizon. I sit, holding my coffee cup, perched at my kitchen table. I open my Bible. I close my eyes and pray …
“Please, Lord, help me to find courage today.”
It’s a morning of random reading. It’s like getting in the car and going for a ride. Destination unknown. I search the scriptures. Some I know pretty well; others, I think, “Why didn’t I ever see this before?”
It’s one thing to allow my mind to read the words, but it’s another to allow my heart to read them.
I am quite the optimist; however, I am also a realist. I know life will sucker-punch me and knock me down. I’ve lived through enough wicked storms to know that when traveling merrily down the stream, there may be unsettling times around the bend. I can quickly find myself in those ever-so-scary rapids.
It is in the scary rapids that I find myself this morning. Danger beckons my thoughts to the dark side. My courage is hiding in the uncertainty.
It is in those moments that I hear the what-ifs. They are scary. They are loud. They want to sit with me at my kitchen table. They leave a bitter taste as I drink my Chobani Sweet Cream flavored coffee. I wish they would leave me alone.
I keep reading the scriptures.
I get to 2 Corinthians 4, the 7th, 8th, and 9th verses. Hold my sweet cream coffee! My heart finds new strength as I read …
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. NIV
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I stopped reading and gripped my cup of coffee tightly. I take a large swig of Highlander Grogg as if I am drinking courage, not coffee. I lean back into my cushioned, high-top chair. I feel my heart relax.
I’ve been trying to do things with my own strength. I am worn out. I’ve been trying to steer the boat through the rapids while trying to figure out where I am going. The waves have battered my body as well as my heart.
Hard-pressed, perplexed, persecuted, and struck down. But here comes the good part. NOT crushed. NOT in despair. NOT abandoned and NOT destroyed.
I may look a bit haggard and exhausted, but I have begun to realize it is not with my weakness that I face uncertain tomorrows but with the strength God offers me in the middle of my what-ifs. Courage is found in my history with God.
I’ve been through enough to know I can’t do life without my faith. It is so much a part of who I am. My writing comes from that faith.
I will always have to deal with the what-ifs, but if I seek God in His word, I will find the strength to deal with whatever tomorrow holds.
So here I sit with my blanket of anxiety over what I may have to deal with. I am writing from my heart. The coffee is strong, and so is my faith. I give my what-ifs to God.
I can’t control situations, people, or what happens, but I can control how I deal with them.
It is how I live my life … with strong faith and courage because of my history with God. He’s never left me to handle the difficulties by myself. I need to recognize His presence.
I hear a lot in the silence. I may not audibly hear the voice of God, but I hear His voice in the scriptures. This morning, He told me exactly what I needed to hear. The what-ifs are hushed because I know who will be with me in my difficult tomorrows.
God sits with me at my kitchen table, and He continues to hold my pen as He writes my story. Stay tuned for more chapters. Both God and I are busy writing.
Janet Hart Leonard can be contacted at janethartleonard@gmail.com or followed on Facebook or Instagram (@janethartleonard). Visit janethartleonard.com.