Masks

Hamilton County, get ready for an onslaught of superheroes, dinosaurs, pirates, and princesses! Halloween is right around the corner, and we’d better be prepared with lots of treats!

Halloween can be a fun time in part because of having the chance to put on a costume, possibly with a mask, and “becoming” another “being,” at least on Oct. 31!

As we get older and leave our childhood behind, we can put on other “personas,” wear other “masks.” We may value “authenticity,” but when have we ever been less than “authentic” putting on a different “face” in a particular situation?

Unfortunately, we probably have experienced someone who treated us politely like a friend only to “turn on us” later. Or perhaps we experienced someone using “friendship” as a ruse to exploit us in some way and then dropping us like a “hot potato” when not of use to the “friend” anymore!

Sadly, human nature is broken. Deception, betrayal, and exploitation are often rampant.

In his 1895 poem “We Wear the Mask,” Paul Laurence Dunbar comments on Blacks needing to hide their suffering from injustices by wearing masks of “smiles” to hide their pain and to exist in society. He writes:

We wear the mask that grins and lies / It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes / This debt we pay to human guile / With torn and bleeding hearts we smile …

How can we relate kindness and authenticity to “civility”? The bottom line is that to create trust in a relationship, we need to be authentic. That also means embracing some level of vulnerability. Not easy. And it takes time in a relationship to build trust. We have to spend this valuable currency of time in order to invest in a relationship worthy of trust.

In a genuine relationship, however, we can honestly disagree “without being disagreeable.” We can do so with civility, not trying to persuade but instead understand “where the other person is coming from.” The goal of our conversation is to understand the other person and to continue the relationship.

And I can be authentically passionate about my views (but not by yelling or storming out of the room) while disagreeing – and still maintain the relationship. Indeed, we need to learn how to be both authentic and civil while disagreeing with others, treating others with dignity and respect.

To be authentic do we need to be able to share our deepest sorrows, any teenage risk-taking adventures, any regrets? Of course, the answer is “No, we do not.” Wisdom and discernment and good judgment are always needed before sharing what’s personal. Being “authentic” to me is “walking the talk” and “practicing what I preach.” It’s acting with integrity when no one is looking.

So, what about those “little white lies” when we are being less than completely honest? For instance, a woman friend modeling a dress asks the other woman friend if she likes it and the friend answers, “It’s really nice” while thinking “Why in the world did she pick out that one?” Have we ever responded that way? Instead, we might follow the suggestion I came across recently and try to find something you can truthfully compliment such as “That color blue accentuates your beautiful eyes.” Perhaps that’s a technique worth trying!

Lastly, two wishes. This Halloween when masked goblins or superheroes come knocking at your door, hopefully you will admire their costumes! And just for fun, you might think of what mask and costume you might wear if you were again a 5-year-old on Halloween!

Nancy Kelly Smith is a retired English professor and published author. She is also an Ambassador for the national civility organization Civic Renaissance. Learn more at civic-renaissance.com.