From the Heart
“Just do your best, Janet Kay.”
I heard those words so many times when I was a kid … from my mother’s lips.
Playing the piano for the offertory at church. Taking a test in school, usually a math test. Making meringue for a chocolate pie.
In the past three weeks those words have haunted me.
When the decision had to be made where to move Mom next, my mind was in a tug of war with my heart. My mind told me what I needed to do. My heart said “no.” I prayed. I cried. I did my research. I visited. I made the decision.
Then I moved her. I cried some more.
I still questioned, is this the best place?
I went shopping for new bedding for her bed. I wanted it pretty. I wanted her to feel special. I wanted the best for her.
I told her caretakers that they would enjoy taking care of her. I reminded them, a few times, that she is special. I hope they do their best for her. If not, I will remind them … again.
I bought her a new purse and filled it with things I knew she would need and enjoy. I tucked it by her electric lift chair. I wanted her to feel at home and comfortable. Strange words knowing it would be a place where she would not want to be.
I bought her new clothes. I made her a weekly hair appointment in the beauty shop at her extended healthcare facility. We don’t use the “N H” words. You know what they are.
I can’t make her better. I can’t make everything perfect. The good Lord knows I am trying to make this chapter of her life not so bitter.
I hope and I pray she knows … I’m trying.
For three weeks I’ve been tossing and turning in bed, night after night. I put on my “I’m okay” mask, along with my makeup, every morning.
I work and then I go visit my mom every night on the way home.
Sometimes I get called to go there during the day. Then I get called back to work. My mind and body are stretched in different directions. My heart? Well it just aches … a lot.
It never feels like I’m doing enough. My best feels like so little. I second and third guess every decision.
My husband constantly reminds me that I am a good daughter. He wishes he could make it all better, as well. He has seen me without the makeup and without the mask. I know he hurts for me.
I just hope Mom knows Janet Kay is doing her best.