In 1822, squirrels ravaged the future site of Hamilton County, only a single year before it was incorporated. In 2023, as we celebrate the Hamilton County Bicentennial, squirrels are once more trampling and devouring everything in their path, especially other potential mascots.
Yes, Hamilton County is going a bit nutty about the 200th anniversary.
Last year, when gearing up for the county bicentennial and marking the Great Squirrel Stampede’s own bicentennial, restaurants offered squirrel-themed drinks and snacks. (Editor’s note: most of the snacks were nuts. There were no snacks made from actual squirrels.)
There are squirrel art projects from Nickel Plate Arts.
There are T-shirts and bumper stickers and there was even squirrel stampede mini-golf in Fishers last fall.
There was brief buzz about topping all the street signs with little brass squirrels, but no city council approved that idea. (Editor’s note: thank you, every city council, everywhere.)
Westfield Schools have caught bicentennial and squirrel-fever this year, announcing plans to make those little rodents the new sports mascot.
One Westfield school official told The Reporter, “We have had some complaints about Rocky, our current mascot. His smile is honestly a bit frightening to some children. But who doesn’t love squirrels? Especially now!”
School officials would not confirm that the squirrel mascot idea was inspired by the current mascot already being named Rocky. They did note that they will probably have to change his name to “avoid potential litigation from Jay Ward Productions, owner of all rights to Rocky & Bullwinkle™.”
“201 years ago, thousands of the migrating squirrels laid waste to cornfields across Hamilton County, decimating vital crops in the field and leaving a path of sorrow and destruction in their wake,” Westfield Schools officials said in a statement released Friday night. “Our athletes do the same thing to our opponents on the field. To paraphrase Conan the Barbarian™, the Westfield Squirrels will crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and hear the lamentations of their fans.”
Don’t worry, Shamrocks, in case it was not obvious, The Reporter is just pulling your tail with this clearly false April Fool’s story.
On the other hand, the article about Cicero running low on water is true.
What a strange year already.