Turkey-Day Feastapalooza

Thanksgiving kicks off the holiday season. It’s a day of celebration that brings families and friends together to break bread and spend some true quality time. We are able to come together in harmony to celebrate our blessings and enjoy real camaraderie.

Blah, blah, blah. Enough of that. Now let’s talk about the food!

This day brings about the most amazing single day of feasting and gorging of any given calendar year. The main dishes, the sides, the desserts … all a must before watching some football, napping, and eating some more.

Now of course, every family has different traditions and ways of celebrating. There are a million different menus and different ways of making each culinary delight. That being said, it is inevitable that some dishes are better than others. I think it’s about time we do a deep dive on this topic and rate some traditional Thanksgiving menu items, based on dishes we serve in our family. It will be from 0 to 10. This can be a great conversation starter for the holiday that can also really make some of the family amateur chefs angry. Sound good? Then put on your expandable pants and let’s go!

Ok, first on the list is the main course. Turkey is the staple for us, as I’m sure it is for most families. Although, we are adding a ham this year as well, which I am all about. There are a million different ways to cook the bird. My favorite method is to smoke it. So, since I am the smoke master for this Thanksgiving and these turkeys, I’m going to rate this main dish a 10.

Next, we are going with mashed potatoes (mp’s for short). I am definitely a fan of these buttery, light and fluffy little clouds. Mp’s are typically a relief for picky eaters who don’t like turkey or other sides. They at least have something to gorge on with the rest of us. I will give mp’s a solid 9.

Staying in the potato family, how about sweet potatoes? You either love them or hate them. I happen to love them. How can you not love something with the word “sweet” in the name? If you’re having bittersweet memories of whispering sweet nothings to your sweetheart on Sweetest Day, then sweet potatoes are for you. So, go ahead and have sweet dreams of home sweet home and give these potatoes an 8.

I guess I should throw in some green vegetables, so I don’t go into a meat and carb coma. Let’s go with green beans. Not green bean casserole with the cream of yuck soup and “crunchy” onions and who knows what else in it. Because that would lower things down to about a 2. I’m talking about good old-fashioned bacon or ham filled green beans that have been simmering for hours. They are probably unnecessary, but I like them. So there. 7.

Time to get controversial. Let’s talk about cranberries. Not canned cranberries that keep the shape of the can. I’m talking real cranberries, blended up with sugar and other yummy things. Not a standard on every Thanksgiving table, but it is on mine. 6.

Deviled eggs. These are not controversial in most cases. Except for my family. I have an ongoing feud with an unnamed family member over proper preparation of these beautiful morsels. This bitter rivalry has been at the core of many “discussions” at family gatherings over the years. I have come to accept that no one else at Thanksgiving has the professional pallet that I have, so I guess I don’t blame them for liking the other eggs better. I mean who wouldn’t enjoy the flavor of a shot of vinegar and mustard with a hard-boiled egg chaser. If you have any unusual or cool recipes for deviled eggs, shoot me an email. That way I can finally win this competition with my mother-in-law … I mean … my unnamed family member! Woops!

Now I want to talk about noodles. I make them from scratch. They are a 10. I’ll have it no other way.

Time to board the gravy train! Who doesn’t enjoy making a heaping plate and then hosing it all down with gallons of gravy? I generally keep the amount minimal on my plate because I genuinely enjoy the flavors of all the dishes. We’ll keep it at a respectable 5.

Beer. 128 out of 10. Plus, it helps to wash down those eggs. Next.

Many people have a roll guy in their family. It’s usually a bachelor cousin that you can’t trust to bring anything else. The conversation usually goes something like this. “Oh, Steve’s coming? Ok, tell him to bring rolls. Not even Steve can screw up the rolls.” And then Steve inevitably screws up the rolls. 5.

I couldn’t possibly finish this up without mentioning pie! Everyone wants a slice of pie, or possibly six or seven. If you are reading this out loud and have a young person around you, you are currently annoyed with me for mentioning 6-7. Whether it’s six or seven slices, I rate the pie with a 10.

The moral of the story is … No matter what food is on the table, the most important thing is being surrounded by loved ones and celebrating together. Even with Steve. In fact, maybe I should stir things up and put Steve on deviled egg duty (teehee!).

Tim Rathz can be reached at 40somethinginfishers@gmail.com. Follow on Facebook or Instagram.