The Resolution Revolution

Now that the holidays are over and we’re all fat and broke, we can begin to concentrate on the annual promises we make to ourselves for a few days in January. Yes, those yearly lies we call New Year’s resolutions.

This is the glorious time when we blurt out everything we want to change about ourselves to Facebook and everyone who will listen. This is our chance to post to the world that we want to lose a bunch of weight, start exercising for 15 hours a day and read 2,000 books in the coming year. And doggone it, I’m sticking to it this time! Right?

Typically, by Jan. 10, we have forgotten all about our resolutions and moved on. It’s not because we weren’t serious about these goals. It’s most likely because they were unrealistic or there were too many goals. We think of a list of a million things we want to change, improve or start doing that no human being could ever possibly live up to. Which is usually why our yearlong gym membership gets used twice.

So, because I know you are all on the edge of your seats, waiting to find out, here are my New Year’s resolution posts, followed by reality:

Hi FB friends! I just wanted to let everyone know I’m kicking it into high gear for a new me in 2025!

I want as many “likes” as I can get.

I’m joining a gym and starting a daily training routine.

I will do this two or three times because gyms are ridiculously crowded in January. I’m done by Feb. 1.

I’m going to lose 20 pounds by summer so I can get my beach bod.

I will lose 10 pounds and gain them back in a continuous cruel and evil cycle.

I’m cutting sweets and sugar and only eating healthy. I’m going to use a calorie counting app to keep me honest.

I will do this for a while but cheat the whole time. “Ah, it’s only a Butterfinger and a Cherry Coke. I’m not going to count that against my daily points.”

I’m going to get myself organized.

I have no idea what this even means, but it sounds good.

I’m going to start journaling.

I’m going to buy a journal and write my name in it, then never look at it again.

I’m going to get my finances in order and stick to my budget.

I’m going to go to Costco for paper towels and leave with a full cart after spending $500.

I’m going to eat out less.

They just opened a new Taco Bell down the street.

I’m going to read more books this year.

I’m going to buy more books this year, even though I never read the books I bought last year.

I’m finally going to clean out my garage.

I’m going to continue parking in the street.

I’m going to drink more water.

I’m going to Starbucks.

I’m going to learn to play an instrument.

Well, I learned “Hot Cross Buns” on the recorder in third grade. That’s good enough.

I’m going to start taking the stairs.

I’ll take the stairs down and the elevator up.

I’m going to spend less time on my phone.

Right after I check how many “likes” I got for this post.

Don’t worry, Facebook nation. I will keep you updated on my progress with a picture of myself right before I spend two minutes on the elliptical machine, then realize how hard it is and go check out that new Taco Bell. Don’t forget to hit the “like” button!!

The moral of the story is … Goals are great! Just be realistic and know your limit. Because, really, no one is able to walk out of Costco for less than $500.

Tim Rathz can be reached at 40somethinginfishers@gmail.com. Follow on Facebook or Instagram.