You know those people you meet, whose beauty that lives within them overflows to their outward appearance? Their smile, their eyes, the way they carry themselves, or their ability to make those around them feel instantly comfortable. Their beauty is not just something you see, but more so something you feel. I am always in awe of those people. It is not something that can be faked, it’s authentic. It is not their makeup or the clothing they wear, it’s just … them.
As a child, people told me I was cute. They liked my brown eyes and my olive skin that got especially tanned in the summers, as I spent most of my waking hours outside. As far back as I can remember, I told myself they were just saying that because they felt sorry for me because of my physical disability. They were trying to help me feel good about myself is what I believed.
As time went on, people told me I was beautiful. Again, I thought, they were trying to build me up because they assumed I had low self-esteem, which was definitely true. I would relentlessly pick myself apart piece by piece, never really satisfied. Always striving to be prettier. Maybe then others wouldn’t notice my disability so much, I thought to myself. I felt ashamed of who I was. I felt like my disability made me ugly. That’s hard to even type out, but it’s the truth. I spent a lot of time wishing I was anyone but me.
At 50, it seems like every day I stare at myself in the mirror and notice a new line or spot on my face. Youth is certainly wasted on the young. We don’t appreciate our smooth skin or more agile bodies in the moment. When we are younger we think it will last forever. As we age, we start to understand beauty encompasses more than vanity. Again, I’m reminded of those whose beauty comes from within. Timeless beauty. Many of us, myself included, slather all kinds of lotions and potions all over trying to slow the speeding freight train that is aging.
Our bodies change along with our faces. It seems like my body is a different shape than it used to be, and I often feel like I’m looking at a stranger in the mirror. I think, “who is this?” and then realize, “oh, it’s me!”
My disability fast tracks the physical aging process. Physically, I feel like I have more in common with those in their 80s and 90s. Once again, I feel like I don’t fit where I should. The things people my age are complaining about physically are just not where I’m at. It’s isolating.
Working on inner beauty is where I believe true contentment lies. I’ll always strive to look nice, and practice healthy habits. Nothing wrong with presenting my best self. Working on inner beauty is certainly more fulfilling than disguising a wrinkle or two. It’s lasting and it makes a difference in other’s lives when we are beautiful inside. We have more kindness to share, more peace to exude, things that never go out of style. Something the world needs more of.
I want to smile with my eyes and mean it. I want to exemplify God’s beauty and grace. Lord knows, I will never be perfect at it. I will undoubtedly still struggle with trying not to inwardly groan each time I see a new wrinkle or spot or whatever it may be. But, just as I’ve grown to love my scars and the stories they tell, maybe I can learn to embrace the wrinkles and the stories they tell too. Appreciating the life I was given as it comes. Continuing to strive to create lasting qualities that can have a positive impact on the lives of others. I hope you can, too.
Until next time …
Amy Shinneman is a former National Ambassador for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, disability blogger, wife, and mom of two boys. You can find her blog at humblycourageous.com and reach her on Instagram @ashinneman.