Technology: your favorite invasive species!

By The Reporter R-800
Guest Columnist

Isn’t today’s wide world of tech exciting, amazing, and incredible? We all enjoy 100-percent secure cloud-stored data. We have computers, tablets, and phones all packed with easy-to-navigate features we desperately need AND enjoy … features which never change unexpectedly! What’s even better is that none of it ever malfunctions or suffers data breaches. It all simply works!

Imagine if boring old breakfast cereal received such an upgrade. Come on General Mills and Google, one of you buy the other and give us something like this…

Remember when you used to just pour cereal, add milk, then eat? Well those days are over! Behold an innovative, secure, healthy, and vastly improved cereal-eating experience for you and your loved ones: Techfast®.

Think outside the cereal box

Step one: pour a sample of your milk (or favorite vegan non-bovine dairy-imitation product) into the InstaScan™ device to confirm it is unspoiled in just three minutes and 42 seconds. Sure, you could sniff it to see if it’s spoiled “instantly,” but that’s unreliable and subjective, unlike InstaScan™. What if you want cereal when your sniffer is on the fritz? You could give yourself food poisoning!

You’ll save time and money in the long run because you will no longer need two sniffers in the house to check and double-check milk spoilage. We’re all in this cereal bowl together. Don’t let the next pandemic start in your spoiled spoonful of last-gen cereal tech.

Step two: Confirm you are authorized to eat. Instead of 2FA (two-factor authorization), Techfast® features a new and much more user-friendly MFA (Mom-Factor Authentication™). We will send your mom a text message to ask if you are allowed to have another bowl of cereal today because too much sugar is bad for you and if it’s after 2 p.m. you’re going to spoil your supper.

No mom? No worries! Just subscribe to the Techfast® Rent-a-Mom AI package powered by Cereal-ChatPT.

Step three: once you are MFA-approved, verify the integrity of the cereal packaging and confirm the expiration date through our app. Scan the QR code on your Techfast®-compliant cereal box and we will remotely open it for you. If your cereal doesn’t have a QR code, you’re not eating Techfast®.

Then just pour a bowl, add milk, and enjoy the modern cereal experience.

Isn’t that better than putting spoiled milk on stale cereal and eating what could be your 12^th bowl of the day because you lost count?

Say ‘so long’ to soggy cereal!

Sold separately, CrunchFlake™ puts you on the bleeding edge of cereal technology. This crunch preservation feature is a nano-powder you add to your cereal of choice (with only minimal impact on flavor) to ensure maximum crunchiness lasts all the way to the last lovin’ spoonful.

For the best user experience, the entire suite of Techfast® upgrades can be paid for with a convenient monthly subscription that is as light on your wallet as a healthy breakfast should be on your waistline. (Disclaimer: We are in no way indicating that cereal loaded with sugar and our patented CrunchFlake™ technology is healthy.)

It’s not a cost, it’s an investment in the breakfast future for you and your whole family.

Build a better breakfast with Techfast®

Next year we are rolling out our new Bowltech™: the bowl with built-in structural integrity sensors guaranteed not to break when dropped from an average countertop height onto a standard American suburban home’s HOA-compliant tile floor. Pre-order yours today! (Disclaimer: Bowltech™ bowls are not guaranteed not to break from a non-regulation drop height, but the internal structural integrity scanner will still alert you not to eat from it.)

Share the cereal love

We’re also launching a new social media platform to share your breakfast experiences with those closest to you on the other side of the planet: the Supercrunchy Never Offline Breakfast® (SNOB) social media network. Join the breakfast community online at SNOBsocial.cereal.

Techfast®: the most upgraded meal of the day.

The R-800 is not an actual cyborg and AI has not yet sufficiently evolved to have its own column in the page of The Reporter. Maybe in the future our editor and our publisher will rethink that position.