Stuff that annoys me, part 1

I have been blessed with a wonderful life. So, in return I try not to be overly cynical of the world around me. That being said, I also love to complain. So here we go.

There are certain things in life I encounter from time to time that annoy me to no end. I do realize that one man’s treasure is another’s annoyance. And I certainly am guilty of many things that annoy others. Just ask my wife about how I chew my food. I am not under any illusion that the general public cares at all about what annoys me. But I’m the one writing this column, so there! (insert spitty tongue emoji)

So, here are a few things, in no particular order, that make my eyes roll so hard I almost topple over. And yep, this list is completely random. You know, so I can go get annoyed by some more stuff and share those with you at a later date.

Jeans. My first order of business is to make it completely clear that jeans with holes in them are not more comfortable than jeans without holes. I’ve heard so many people say how their most comfortable pair of jeans are the ones that are full of holes that they’ve had for the last 20 years. I’m sorry, but as soon as my jeans tear open, they are outta here.

I recently put this to the test. A pair of my comfortable jeans recently finally wore through at the left knee. I decided to give these comfy pants one last shot, to see if maybe the theory is true. Well, it isn’t. I could concentrate on nothing all day except how much colder my left knee was than the right one. This was just simply not working for me.

I mean, think about it. No one says holey socks are more comfortable than socks without holes. Why would this same rule not apply to the rest of our clothes? It’s become so bad that people are buying pre-ripped jeans.

I’m thinking I’ll come out with a line of pre-ripped socks and underwear to cash in on this fad.

My next annoyance is bow ties. Unless you are literally, currently in a wedding party, or you’re a magician, don’t wear them. You don’t need to stand out of a crowd that badly. Unclip that thing from your neck and go on with your day.

Stop using smart people words when talking to me. Clear, concise and to the point please. That’s all I need. If it’s not in a child dictionary, don’t say it. No more than two three-syllable words per conversation. And the first time you drop a “I digress” or “juxtaposition” on me, I’m walking out of the room. We’re making small talk, not diagnosing pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Yep, that’s a word.

Stanley cups. No, it’s not just the prize for being a good hockey team anymore. Stop pretending like these are the end all, be all of beverage consumption (whoops, too big of a word, my bad). Stop playing like these are the end all, be all of drink drinking. There are lots of quality containers that keep my drinks cold or hot that don’t require a second mortgage.

This one is going to be controversial. You know when you are driving at a normal speed, and someone gets right on your tail for no reason? Or when there’s an ice storm followed by a blizzard, and a car tailgates you then passes like it’s lap 200 at the Indy 500? Take a second look at that vehicle. Seven times out of ten, it’s someone in a white pickup truck. I don’t know why that is, or why the truck is that specific color, but trust me, my science is sound. To my friends out there with white pickup trucks, please know I love you … but stop driving like animals!

I will stand absolutely firm on this one. Do not try to tell me that leftover cold pizza is better than, or just as good as fresh, hot pizza. No, it’s not. Stop it. Stop it right now. Stop your lying lies. You want leftover pizza? Put it on a sheet pan and get it into the oven. Not the microwave. Heat it up until that melty, cheesy goodness comes back to life. It will never be as good as when it was freshly made, but oven heated will do. Treat pizza the way The Polar Express treats hot chocolate … “never ever let it cool!”

Finally, I want to discuss hamburger buns. No, I don’t have a problem with hamburger buns. What else would I want to house my delectable burger in?

Big word again. Dang it. Sorry.

What else would I want to put my yummy yum yums in? The problem I do have is how inconsistent store brand buns are. Most of the time it’s a top-heavy sandwich with the equivalent of a thong G-string of a bottom bun. It’s never strong enough to hold ketchup, let alone any topping I might want to put on the bottom part. Please start slicing them evenly, so I can stop paying $10.99 for name brand buns!

Well, that’s the end of my complaint session for now. Stay tuned. I have no doubt I’ll find more annoying things in life soon.

The moral of the story is … the stuff I complain about makes me appreciate the stuff I love even more. So, maybe now I’ll do a “stuff I love” column.

Nah, I like complaining too much!

Tim Rathz can be reached at 40somethinginfishers@gmail.com. Follow on Facebook or Instagram.