Oh, what a WONDERful world

If you’re a history buff, like me, you have probably seen documentaries about the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. You can easily check YouTube, the History Channel, or a million other outlets to familiarize yourself with these marvelous structures that have been mostly lost to time.

Now there are the New Seven Wonders of the World, New Seven Wonders of Nature, New Seven Wonders Cities, Seven Wonders of the Underwater World, and even Seven Wonders of the Solar System.

No, I didn’t make any of these up.

It seems like everyone has their own “Seven Wonders” lists. I can sometimes be an “I want what’s mine” kinda guy, so I have my own list. The difference between the official lists and my list is that mine are completely random. I have thousands of wonders in my brain, but since seven is the socially accepted wonder number for some reason, I followed suit.

So, here we go! Seven Wonders of My Forty-something World …

Girl Clothes

I don’t mind doing laundry, but I always dread folding. It’s not the time it takes or the effort I have to put in. My anxiety is caused by having to fold my wife’s and daughter’s clothes. You see, as a man, I am used to clear cut, easy folding rules. Each item should take three seconds or less. Pick it up, fold, fold, done. Next shirt. Grab two socks (they don’t need to match), make them look like a tube. Next.

But when you meet that special woman, everything changes. If you’ve ever wondered why grade-school girls fold pieces of paper a million times to make those little origami fortune tellers (see local listings for whatever they were called in your neck of the woods), it was because they were practicing for their clothes when they got a little older. I had never seen so many straps, ribbons, and extra doohickies in my life. It’s like trying to fold a shirt for an octopus.

The zippers and buttons are on the opposite side … why?!?! What do I wash in hot water? What do I wash in cold? Did I remember to wash that one on extra super-duper gentle mode? What goes in the dryer and what guts hung up? And isn’t there something I’m supposed to do after Labor Day? Ugh!

For these reasons, girl clothes will forever top my wonders list.

Pringles Cans

I wish I could have been there when the idea for stackable chips placed in a tube lit up the board room at Procter & Gamble. I can hear the harps and angelic choir now. Finally, chips that won’t be obliterated when a three-year-old is in the room (I know from experience).

These portable morsels are a staple in the Rathz house, even though it did take me some time to forgive them for discontinuing the jalapeno flavor. If only other companies would learn from what tennis ball companies and Pringles have been teaching us for years. I might just start carrying my wallet, keys and phone in a tube, just as a tribute.

Except, maybe add a spring-loaded chip lift, so my hands don’t get stuck anymore.

Raw Oysters

There was some brilliant marketing thousands of years ago, when man began eating oysters on the half shell in prehistoric martini bars. The bar manager, Og-Og, needed something to serve during happy hour to bring in more customers. His supplier brought in a bunch of oysters sitting on ice in a rock bowl. Og-Og asked how he was ever supposed to sell little balls of snot to his customers. The supplier said, “It’s simple. Just add hot sauce.”

I took a few liberties with this story for cinematic value, but I’m pretty sure this is close to what happened.

Grain Silos

I’m no farmer, but I’m pretty sure grain silos were created by aliens. I think I understand the purpose of the large rocket-ship-looking containers. But what are all the pipes and chutes hanging around the top? All I need to know is that it’s important. Beyond that, I’m not meant to understand, and I never will be. Thank you to all farmers for understanding Martian technology.

College Electives

This is a true wonder. How in the world do colleges get away with charging students $20,000 for a once-a-week bowling class? And why are electives necessary or required, ever? It’s a mystery best left to the debt gods.

Sunflower Seed Butter

So, this one probably seems weird. But if you happen to be a parent of an anaphylactic child allergic to peanuts, you definitely understand. My wife and I are two of those parents who have been on the hunt for an alternative to peanut butter for a couple years now. We tried all the usual suspects, cashew butter and almond butter. These are great if you’re a fan of dry, dusty goo, but it wasn’t working for us. We finally ran across sunflower seed butter one day and decided to give it a try. It’s not cheap, but you do what you gotta do for your kid. After that day, the sun came out and all was right with the world. Go try it. It’s amazing!

Meat Thermometers

A staple for all at-home Emeril wannabees, like me. I remember back in the day when the most common way to see if meat was done was to cut right down the middle with a sharp knife and check the color. This always ensured every last ounce of glorious meat juice ran down into the grill, starting a fire and leaving your steak the consistency of a hockey puck.

Thanks to the revolutionary days of Food Network and the internet, people finally found out that food is supposed to have flavor. Who knew? Thanks to this wonder, we all walk around with smiles on our faces now, right?

The moral of the story is … girl clothes are weird, Pringles cans are genius, raw oysters are gross, grain silos are alien technology, college electives are dumb, sunflower seed butter is amazing, and meat thermometers are a must.

What’s on your list?

Tim Rathz can be reached at 40somethinginfishers@gmail.com. Follow on Facebook or Instagram.