From the Heart
Oh, Brother Sleep, where art thou? Hello darkness my new friend, I’ve come to talk to you again.
A few years ago, I realized what my older friends meant when they told me to appreciate being able to fall asleep quickly and stay asleep. That would soon change … and it did.
Melatonin and sleep aids have become new friends that introduce me to sleep. It’s the wake-up calls at 3:00, 4:00 and 5:00 a.m. that are not set by an alarm that awaken me now.
I have become well acquainted with insomnia.
If I have not been able to remember something throughout the day, I remember it in the middle of the night.
I should have called back so and so. I forgot. Now will they be upset when I call them tomorrow? What will be my reason for forgetting to call? Does the reason qualify for acceptance?
Do I have all the ingredients for our dinner party? If I get up and check, will it make it harder to get back to sleep?
Is my mom sleeping well? Did the staff promptly answer her call light? Will she be able to go to physical therapy in the morning? Is she getting another UTI? Am I doing all I can to help her? Does she think I am doing all I can?
I need to get a passport. I have to remember to tell Chuck we need stamps. I need to write a check to pay a bill for my mom getting her hair done. Where did I put the tickets to the show at the Palladium? What am I wearing to work in the morning? What time did Chuck say he is going to play golf tomorrow? (Yes, he plays in the winter unless there is snow on the course or the wind chill is below 40.)
So many tabs are open in my brain. They are shuffling like a deck of cards in a Las Vegas casino. The sound of them shuffling is deafening. So much for my sounds of silence.
I toss and turn, wrestling with my thoughts as well as the covers. Poor Chuck. I hope I’m not waking him up with my trying to find a way back to sleep. We don’t need two of us to be solving all these problems and answering questions. I got this!
Now my bladder awakens so I have to get up. Ugh!
It’s 4:00 a.m. If I fall back to sleep now, I will get three more hours of sleep making a total of seven hours.
I end up on the sofa so I won’t wake up Chuck. My mind goes into the Twilight Zone. Why doesn’t someone design hospital gowns that are more attractive and comfortable? I need to paint the front porch in the spring. I can’t remember the name of the new worship song we learned at church. I really liked it.
Seriously. I have to get to sleep. I have a big day ahead and I’m already tired.
I rub a bit of lavender essential oil onto my palms and take several deep breaths. I start reciting the 23rd Psalm in my head: “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” But please Lord … I want to sleep. “He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.” I imagine green pastures and I remember the scripture that reminds me, I will fear no evil. I am comforted.
I begin to drift ever so gently to sleep.
In less than two hours my ears are pierced by the sound of my alarm awakening me from a short winter’s nighttime nap. Oh, Brother Sleep, now I have found you, but alas, Hi Ho Hi Ho, it’s off to work I must go.
And so, bid a fond adieu to my husband who is tucked into bed, under the warm, cozy covers. Oh, Brother Retirement … where art thou?