Not mine to fix

My name is Janet, and I am a bona fide, certifiable “fixer.”

If there were cards for “fixers,” mine would be Platinum. Bring me your problems, dilemmas, situations, and brokenness, and I will do my best to fix them.

How has being a “fixer” worked for me, you ask? You need to find a comfortable seat. This may take a while.

You see, I’ve found myself lying awake at night trying to figure out how to fix things that weren’t mine to fix. Yes, you read that right. Some things are not mine to fix.

My writer friend, Elizabeth Braswell, made a Facebook post this week that struck a tender chord in my heart …

That beautiful, empathetic, tender heart of yours that feels it all … can cause you to do more than you have the capacity to do.

Drop the mic.

I struggle with wanting to bring a wrench to tighten coming-apart relationships, a hammer to pound wisdom into those trying to make sense of life’s chaos and a sailor’s knot to tie up loose emotions. My emotional tool chest is messy.

My attempts at fixing things that aren’t mine to fix lead to sleepless nights where I find myself at the kitchen table at 3:48 in the morning with fingers tapping furiously at the keyboard. When I can’t fix … I write.

For some reason, writing helps bring things into perspective. I should have it all together with all the stacked journals I’ve poured my messy thoughts into. I do not.

So many words, yet so many unanswered questions. Why did this have to happen? Why can’t this be fixed? What more can I do?

I find myself frazzled and tired. I know all too well what the last frazzled nerve looks like. It’s not pretty, I can tell you that.

I find myself saying not-so-pretty prayers. I wish I were one who prayed those eloquent prayers of “Dear Lord, let your ways be my ways.” Mine are often more like, “Lord, you need to do something about this.” Yep, not so pretty. But I know God hears me. I may not understand His not dropping everything He is doing to answer my prayers nor His “Look, Janet, it’s my way and my timing.” I grasp for patience and faith in allowing God to do things His way. It’s not always easy.

But what if God doesn’t fix things as I want Him to?

Here is where faith finds its way into my emotional toolbox. I wrestle with God to figure out if coming-apart relationships can be tightened. I struggle to hand over the hammer. And that sailor’s knot? It does not compare to how God can tie up all the frazzled, loose emotions. His ways and knots are better than mine.

I haven’t always liked the way God answered my prayers. His way of fixing things is not always the “fix” I want. Yet … there’s that beautiful word, YET. I have seen the goodness of God in the midst of my hurt, weariness and the nooks and crannies of my broken places.

Oh, sweet Elizabeth, thank you for the reminder this week. My tender heart does not always have the capacity to do everything I think I need to do to fix things. Some things are just not mine to fix.

Please read that again, Janet. NOT MINE TO FIX.

Janet Hart Leonard can be contacted at janethartleonard@gmail.com or followed on Facebook or Instagram (@janethartleonard). Visit janethartleonard.com.