Myriad of brain droppings on his mind

In 1997, comedian George Carlin published his very funny book, Brain Droppings, which, according to the cover, contains “jokes, notions, doubts, opinions, questions, thoughts, beliefs, assertions, assumptions, and disturbing references” and “comedy, nonsense, satire, mockery, merriment, sarcasm, ridicule, silliness, bluster, and toxic alienation.”

With apologies to Carlin and most of my fellow Hoosiers, here are some of the latest Brain Droppings dripping from my own brain.

• This just in: President-elect Trump agrees to compete on Dancing With The Czars.
• Here at Scaramouch Research Ranch, we have learned that the most effective “safe word” during sex is a full yawn.
• I visit the dentist twice a year just so no one can accuse me of not flossing.
• This just in: President-elect Trump endorses third division of the Christian biblical canon: The New and Improved Best Testament Yet (Or Project 2025, For Short). Expresses dismay that The Plot Against America title was already taken by Phillip Roth.
• Based on the wardrobe of most people in the voting line in 2024, the true fabric of our nation is stretchy pants.
• My wife insists I finish the Boar’s Head in the fridge “before it goes good.” Should I worry?
• I finally found a way to put my telekinesis to practical use, thus speeding up the time to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
• This just in: High-school students dismayed to receive Fs on essay test for writing only cuss words. “The instructions clearly said to write in cursive,” they argued.
• I became even more uneasy in the dentist chair when “Twist and Shout” played on the overhead speaker.
• I post on Facebook for the “dislikes.”
• I wonder if flies ever say, “My god, they’re dropping like us.”
• Winning word in latest national spelling bee: Bzzz.
• Finally found my feminine side. She didn’t like me either.
• This just in: The Onion buys Alex Jones’ Infowars. This just in: The Onion really did buy Alex Jones’ Infowars. Chalk one up for the good guys.
• I wish I had a Yawn Talker translator.
• Keith Richards’ ears are a work of art!
• This just in: The Onion buys the New York Times, publishes first headline: Trump Wants Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to Lead Health and Human Services. This just in: Correction, The Onion did not buy NYT … that headline was a legitimate NYT headline.
• A song I don’t want to hear just before my colonoscopy anesthesia takes full effect: “Working In The Coal Mine.” The last words I don’t want to hear the doctor say: “Nurse, release the canary.”
• This just in: President-elect Trump names Boris Badenov new CIA chief.
• I finally found my feminine side. Now, I’ll never get any work done.
• There’s nothing more awkward than sitting across from a person who is a soup blower.
• In 2024, Indiana lifted a decades-old ban on “happy hour.” Contrary to popular belief, the law had nothing at all to do with buying cheap booze in bars. It actually meant Hoosiers were now allowed to be happy for one hour a day.
• I wish I had a Jimmy Buffett mustache.
• This just in: President-elect Trump appoints Natasha Fatale as First Lady.
• If your hand and arm no longer fit in the Pringles can, you probably don’t need more Pringles.
• This just in: In defiance of the number-one rule for efficiency, “reduce redundancy,” President-elect Trump names Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy co-leaders of Department of Government Efficiency.
• My pet’s name is my mother’s maiden name. It helps me get thru online security questions quicker.
• This just in: Curb Your Enthusiasm fans express relief after actress Cheryl Hines hints at divorce from RFK Jr., citing, “The dead bear cub thing … the severed whale head … that bizarro brain worm thing … that alleged affair with a journalist … finally, Robert jumped the shark. Seriously. He really did jump a shark.”
• 50/50 odds that Pete Rose made it to heaven.
• This just in: President-elect Trump names Kristi Noem director of first national “all-kill” animal shelter and Pet Sematary.
• This just in: Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy argue over whose name should appear first on their shared office door.
• Surprising someone with a marriage proposal while in a hot air balloon is cheating.
• This just in: McDonald’s customers stunned when President-elect Trump runs through restaurant shouting, “I drink your milkshake!”
• This just in: Catch-and-release program encouraging humane deer hunting practices deemed failure.
• This just in: In surprise reversal of fortune, President-elect Trump eats RFK Jr.
• This just in: Mike Braun wins Indiana governor race. So much for happy hour.
• This just in: President-elect Trump names Kid Rock U.S. Poet Laureate.
• This just in: President-elect Trump signs new memoir deal detailing his relationship with women. Tentative title: The Art of the Feel.
• Recently, while perusing family vacation photos from the 1970s, I noticed a group shot of us in the Smokies being photobombed by Ted Kaczynski. I guess he was just starting out.
• I wasn’t popular in high school. I played Spin-The-Bottle by myself.
• Dippin’ Dots has yet to apologize for decades-old “ice cream of the future” claims.
• Tornado season always disappointed. No one’s errant trampoline ever landed in our yard, the only way we could’ve afforded one. But Dad did end up with a really bitching aluminum shed.
• I have tons of “baseball” caps, but none of those backwards ones I see people wearing. Where can I get one?

Email Scott at scottsaalman@gmail.com.