“Should I stay, or should I go?” – The Clash
GUY RAZZ: I’m Guy Razz, host of How I Broke This. Welcome to my narrative journey about business ineptitude and the failed leaders who failed to learn from their failures. Listen as my guests reveal what led to their crushed entrepreneurial spirits. Today’s guest is Whiz Wagstaff, founder of the short-lived Shy Bladders Anonymous (SBA) support group for sufferers of Shy Bladder Syndrome (SBS).
WHIZ: I had no idea your studio is actually an aluminum shed.
GUY: I got the shed. My ex got the house. The shed landed here during tornado season. No neighbor claimed it, so we kept it. I’m pretty sure Marc Maron started this way, too. We’d been hoping for a trampoline for the kids, but a free shed is nothing to scoff at. My ex allows me to keep using the shed for this podcast, but she draws the line at going into her house to use her bathroom.
WHIZ: But what if you need a toilet?
GUY: See that bucket of sawdust?
WHIZ: I hope I never get divorced. There’s no way I could pee in an orange Home Depot bucket. Marriage can be challenging. I get it, man. Having a shy bladder can compound the challenge. Most marriages involving SBS don’t last. Shared bathrooms are not fun. Most men feel pressure from their spouses to pee in front of them. Bathroom bashfulness often raises questions about true togetherness. I’m lucky. My wife sees SBS for what it really is – a disease. She is supportive even though she has an extroverted bladder. My wife could pee center stage at The Hollywood Bowl.
GUY: Your wife does that?
WHIZ: I’m exaggerating to make a point.
GUY: Thanks for clarifying. I was worried that was something Ticketmaster might promote. Well, actually, I was hoping …
WHIZ: To her, peeing in front of others is as natural as sneezing – which, for her, often goes hand in hand.
GUY: Have you always suffered from SBS?
WHIZ: It became noticeable once I started school. That’s when I had to first face the eternal bane of my existence: public urinals. I had always been a stall boy. I need enclosure. Privacy. But stall boys like me were ridiculed by the boy packs. “What are you doing in there, peeing like a girl?” they’d shout and laugh. I succumbed to peer pressure and waited in the urinal line.
GUY: But at least you finally conformed socially.
WHIZ: Not really. I only pretended to pee when others were behind me. I’d unzip and feign the necessary movements, fake a loud sigh of relief, wiggle and jiggle, from first grade on through high school – and beyond. I am The Great Pee-tender. I deserve a lifetime achievement award for my performance art.
GUY: Tell us about your shy bladder support group.
Scott’s restroom from hell. (Photo provided by Scott Saalman)
WHIZ: Guy, for most of my life, I thought I was the only one with a shy bladder. I didn’t dare discuss it with anyone. Not too long ago, though, I stood at a urinal beside a coworker, Bob, who was at the other urinal. Our workplace has those dreaded urinals without side shields. We stood so close together we bumped elbows. There we stood. Me and Bob, making uncomfortable small talk. Apparently, he’s a big believer in UFOs. While I waited for Bob to flush, I pretended to pee. I was already late for a meeting since I had been pretending to pee beside a succession of three other guys before Bob’s arrival. Finally, I fake flushed. Bob flushed. I unnecessarily washed my hands. Bob followed me out the door. I moved through the maze of hallways and entered a different restroom. Just when I was about to finally let it flow, someone entered and stood at the adjacent urinal. It was Bob! I mean, gee whiz! It was a revelatory moment. Like I said, I always thought I had the world’s only bashful bladder, but, thanks to Bob, I realized there are others like me. I was not alone. That planted the seed for Shy Bladders Anonymous.
GUY: Tell us about your first meeting.
WHIZ: The turnout was tremendous. We convened in the basement of the local Snipe Hunter Lodge. We shared SBS horror stories. We offered helpful tips on how to pee in public. One guy said he eventually got into his mental pee zone and blocked out those behind him by imagining he was mowing grass, reliving every swath required to complete his backyard. The first hour of our meeting whizzed by – pardon the pun. Finally, we had a safe place to discuss SBS. It was a bladder bonding experience.
GUY: Your first SBA meeting also marked your last SBA meeting. Why did SBA fail?
WHIZ: At the meeting’s midpoint, we paused for a biological break. A lot of beer was chugged to calm our nerves that night. All 12 of us rushed into the restroom at the same time. The line stretched out the door since there was only one urinal. No one dared use the stall. The line never moved. My poor coworker Joe was first in line. Time stood still as he imagined mowing his yard. Each of us knew we’d do the same thing. Although he failed to pee, we admired his effort. The real problem was, we rented the lodge’s meeting room for only 90 minutes. Time ran out before we could reconvene to complete our inaugural meeting. We knew that would never change.
To join Hamilton County Shy Bladders Anonymous, contact scottsaalman@gmail.com.