PODCAST INTRODUCTION: Ineptitude … Failure … Inanity … Stupidity … MURDER! … MURDER!! … MURDER!!! This is How I Broke This.
SFX | CARTOONISH BROKEN SPRING: Boing.
GUY: I’m Guy Razz, host of How I Broke This. Not to be confused with that other podcast by that other guy, Guy Raz, called How I Built This. Welcome to my narrative journey about business ineptitude and the failed leaders who failed to learn from their failures. Listen as my guests reveal what led to their crushed entrepreneurial spirits – and hopefully, they’ll reference a murder or two to boost my podcast’s dismal ratings.
Voice Over: MURDER! … MURDER!! … MURDER!!!
GUY: Today I talk with octogenarian hit man Johnny “Hiccups” Strombolini. Welcome, Johnny Hiccups. Finally! I have a murderer on this show! Podcast listeners love murder!
JOHNNY: Thanks, Guy. There’s another reason I’m here today, too, but we’ll get to that later.
GUY: Let me guess, you have a tell-all memoir about MURDER! MURDER!! MURDER!!! to promote?
JOHNNY: No, nothing to promote, Guy. Anyway, as you know, I was hesitant to be on How I Broke This until you agreed upfront to use that voice changer thingy to disguise my identity.
GUY: Oh crap …
JOHNNY: Wait. You didn’t change my voice yet?
GUY: I forgot to download the software.
JOHNNY: Are you freaking kidding me?
GUY: You probably shouldn’t be talking. Hold on. There … it’s downloaded. Now say something—
JOHNNY: I’m a hit man for god’s sake!
GUY: Oops! You still sound like you.
JOHNNY: My anonymity is crucial, you titanic turd! (hiccup)
GUY: Did you just hiccup?
JOHNNY: (hiccup) (hiccup)
GUY: Here, drink water.
JOHNNY: Water (hiccup) doesn’t (hiccup) work for me (hiccup).
GUY: Hold your breath then.
JOHNNY: Howzabout I make you hold (hiccup) your breath (hiccup) if know what I mean (hiccup).
GUY: Do you want me to scare you? I hear that cures hiccups.
JOHNNY: How are you going to scare me if I tell you to scare me? (hiccup) (hiccup) (hiccup)
GUY: I think the voice changing tool is activated now …
JOHNNY: I thought you were a professional podcaster!
GUY: Your voice sounds like Darth Vader’s now. Excellent. It’s working! How old are you, Johnny Hiccups?
JOHNNY: 82.
GUY: Your peers nicknamed you Johnny Hiccups. Why?
JOHNNY: I hiccup uncontrollably during stressful situations.
GUY: You mean, just like when I fumbled with the voice enhancer software?
JOHNNY: Psychosomatics, the shrinks call it.
GUY: Anxiety triggers hiccups?
JOHNNY: Not ideal for a hit man.
GUY: Still, it makes for a cool nickname. How long have hiccups plagued you?
JOHNNY: It started during my first contract killing. November 22. 1963. Dallas, Texas. I’ll never forget where I was that day.
GUY: Wait a minute! Do you mean—
JOHNNY: You’re thinking it, not me.
GUY: You shot—
JOHNNY: I was supposed to. I was standing near some guy who was filming the motorcade—
GUY: Zapruder?
JOHNNY: But just before I blew into my blowgun, I started to hiccup. Two guys from the Trench Coat Committee emerged from the crowd and whisked me away.
GUY: CIA?
JOHNNY: You said it, not me. The TCC worried that my hiccups had been recorded by that guy’s home movie camera. Hiccups are like audible fingerprints.
GUY: But the Zapruder film didn’t have sound.
JOHNNY: Let’s just say it didn’t have sound after the Trench Coat Committee took care of it. It was a high-profile hit that ended up being a not-so-promising debut for me as a hit man.
GUY: But now here you are on my podcast 60 years later revealing this bombshell of a story. How many have you whacked? Even if you bumped off only one person a year, that would make a major bump to my podcast ratings. Finally! This podcast has hit paydirt! So just how many people have you murdered, Johnny Hiccups?
JOHNNY: This is so embarrassing, Guy—
GUY: Hundreds?
JOHNNY: Not exactly.
GUY: Thousands!
JOHNNY: Actually, Guy, zero.
GUY: Wait … what?
JOHNNY: Do you know how hard it is to hit a target with a poison blow dart when you have hiccups? During Munich Oktoberfest in 1977, the beer garden was too crowded for me to pull out my blowgun, so I decided to strangle the target instead. I was hiccupping like crazy during my murderous rage but unfortunately I got confused and started giving this fat-headed German the Heimlich maneuver instead of choking him. A piece of Bratwurst launched from his mouth like a missile. I saved the life of a guy I was contracted to kill. We still share Christmas cards.
GUY: Sixty years as a contract killer and not one stupid murder?
JOHNNY: What do you expect, Guy? I’m a guest on a podcast that features business failures. Would we be talking right now if I was in the Hit Man Hall of Fame?
GUY: I guess you got me there. This talk is winding down. Earlier, you said you had another reason to visit my garage to do my podcast.
JOHNNY: Ah, yes. That.
GUY: Hey, what is that you’re holding up to your mouth? A flute?
JOHNNY: Blowgun, Guy. You see, the crazy thing is your ex-wife Angie saw my Half-Assin’ Assassin, Inc. business card thumbtacked to the community corkboard at The Shaky Stool bar. (hiccup) (hiccup) (hiccup)
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