By SCOTT SAALMAN
Scaramouch
Last week, the Reporter ran part one of Guitar Face Magazine’s conversation with Indiana-based 1970s classic rockers Courtesy Flush, who will embark on a 50th Anniversary “Expiration Date” Tour this fall. Here is part two. READ IT LOUD.
GF: I bet you’re anxious to hit the road after canceling your last two tours due to COVID-19.
Tweed: Actually, we canceled three tours. In 2019, we dropped the “Bun in the Oven, Fork in the Toaster” Tour when Twill fell off the stage during the first show.
Twill: It wasn’t a fall. I jumped off stage to catch my own guitar pick tossed at the audience.
GF: Rolling Stone writer Rob Sheffield called it “the most narcissistic guitarist move ever.”
Twill: I caught it midair.
Tweed: Unfortunately, the fans didn’t catch Twill.
Twill: It was a great thrill … despite the ensuing body cast.
GF: Courtesy Flush is the only band to use a cowbell in place of drums. Care to elaborate?
Tweed: It’s cheaper than a drummer. Duh.
GF: How mentally tough will it be touring without longtime cowbell player Trench Coat?
Tweed: Very tough. He was just one show shy of being a group co-founder.
Twill: We used a real cow at our first show … you know, early ‘70s Bowie-influenced rock performance art crap. Crap is right. I’d never seen a messier stage thanks to that cow.
Tweed: The next night, Trench Coat showed up with a cowbell. We just asked, “Are you potty trained, man?” He said he thought so. He was hired on the spot. No audition needed.
Twill: I never saw TC without his trademark fedora, shades, and cowhide leather trench coat. He even wore that heavy coat during sun-scorched festivals like Woodstock.
GF: You played Woodstock?
Twill: We backed Limp Bizkit.
GF: Ugh, that Woodstock.
Twill: Is there any other?
Tweed: TC’s coat had 12 inner pockets, one for each cowbell, one cowbell for each key. He meant business.
Tweed: You could hear him approaching from a mile away.
Twill: He had that bovine vibe, man.
Tweed: He played cowbell like no other. He loved Bird and Monk. He infused jazz with cowbell. “Donka donka donka donka,” not the usual “donk donk donk donk” tripe. The Trench Coat sound, man.
GF: Cowbell players revered him. Blue Öyster Cult’s Albert Bouchard described TC this way: “To call Trench Coat the cowbell players’ cowbell player is wrong. He is actually the cowbell players’ cowbell player’s cowbell player.”
Tweed: He was egoless. The modesty in his playing came from his jazz learning. Note how there was no big cowbell solo in our hit song “Motel Indiana.” He propelled us, gave the song movement. Forget Twill’s self-indulgent, five-minute solo on the eight-neck guitar. The Trench Coat sound was the real engine behind Motel Indiana.
GF: The coroner’s report stated, “death by stampede.”
Tweed: More like death by irony. All we know is TC was doing the roadhouse circuit in Texas to promote his solo record, For Whom The Cowbell Tolls.
Twill: Anytime he traveled with us and saw free-roaming livestock, we’d pull the bus over. He was mesmerized by the cowbell sounds out in the fields. It was symphonic to him.
Tweed: In hindsight, Siren song.
Twill: He’d scale fences, join the herd, play along.
Tweed: I blame his penchant for peyote.
Twill: I guess he started running with the wrong herd.
Tweed: The cowhide coat upset the cows. Or maybe cows just hate jazz.
Twill: At least he died doing what he loved.
GF: Without Trench Coat around now to referee your brotherly spats, how will the band survive the “Expiration Date” Tour?
Twill: There’s no denying he stopped us from killing each other.
Tweed: Fistfights.
Twill: Knife fights.
Tweed: Mine was a knife. Yours was a machete.
Twill: Kenny Chesney music full blast.
GF: I heard your hatred for each other was so bad that even the Gallagher brothers from Oasis told you, “Dudes, tone it down. You’re making us look good.”
Twill: Once, in the green room, when we opened for KISS, Tweed put crushed glass instead of crushed ice in my cup.
Tweed: It was an honest mistake. Besides, it was payback for that whole garrote thing.
Twill: Crushed glass, man! I spit blood the whole show.
Tweed: When Gene Simmons saw how the fans loved the blood thing, he started spitting up blood on stage every show after that. Fake, not real like mine. The rest is KISS history.
Twill: Back to your initial question. Yes, Trench Coat deserves credit for our longevity. Fifty years on the road! Can you believe it? We owe him a lot. He wasn’t just our cowbell player.
GF: Critics are giving you heat for not canceling the tour since Trench Coat is barely cold in his grave.
Tweed: As our brother from a different mother, Bob Seger, stated, “Turn the page.” Rock on. Besides, we already printed T-shirts and Koozies.
Twill: TC would want us to tour, especially knowing I now own a mansion in Geist.
GF: Fair enough. So, who’s doing cowbells?
Tweed: Did you notice that cow grazing out front?
GF: You mean—
Tweed: Yea, man, we’re doing the live cow schtick again.
Twill: Back to the basics. Full circle.
Tweed: How’s that for a Guitar Face scoop?
GF: Sounds like there’ll be a lot of scooping come fall.
Contact: scottsaalman@gmail.com. Buy his books on Amazon.