Has there ever been a time when you were angry at God?
It has been just shy of 20 years ago when we became friends. Well, we became acquainted. Our friendship took a while. He was my boss at the car dealership where I sold cars and trucks.
For the first few months, I was terrified of him. As my boss, I had to work deal negotiations with him. He could be a bit “grouchity.” (Grouchity is a bit less than full-blown grouchy.) I had to wear my big girl panties every time I worked a car deal. I had entered a foreign territory where the men seemed like lions, tigers, and bears. Rich was the powerful and oh-so-great Oz. It was a journey where I found that I had a heart, a brain, and, most of all, courage.
Rich knew the complexity of the car business. It is not for the tenderhearted, yet I showed up bound and determined to sell cars and trucks. He was trying to make or break me into the business. There was many a night I might have had to blink away the tears as I drove home after a 10- or 12-hour day.
He believed in me. I just had no idea at the time. It was not easy being the only female salesperson; 48 years old and a naive church lady didn’t help either.
As many car guys do, he moved on. Don’t tell him I had to take the day off after he left. I knew I was going to miss him, even with his grouchiness.
Over the years, we kept in touch. When my book came out, his wife sent me a picture of her sitting in her beautifully manicured backyard, as only Michelle could do it. She was reading my book.
I had no idea that a few weeks later, she would pass from an aggressive cancer. She didn’t want the last chapter of her life to be about cancer, so she kept the news from anyone except those in her closest circle.
My heart broke for her family, most of all her husband. They had been together since she was 15 and he was 17.
In the past few weeks, Rich has been reading my columns. He sent me a text this week …
Sometimes, you’re tested, and it is more than you can handle. She was my everything. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without her; neither would my kids.
What a beautiful tribute to a wife and mother who was so well-loved. I wrote back to him, Grief is brutal. There is no time limit on when it will stop or even lessen. Then it sneaks up on you again.
Anger is part of the roller coaster grieving process. The more someone is loved, the greater the grief. Yes, even being angry at God is part of it. It’s not like He doesn’t know we are angry.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted: he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalms 34:18 NLT
Photo provided
The thing is, we may feel angry, and we may push God away. He waits patiently for us to recognize His presence. I believe he even brings people alongside us to bring comfort.
Rich told me he is not happy with God right now. I understand. Having faith isn’t about sitting around in a circle singing “Kumbaya.”
It’s more like listening to Anne Wilson sing “Strong.” The part where she sings I can’t do this on my own gets to me every time I listen. The world around us goes on, but we struggle to do so. We still have love, but it has no place to go. I call it floundering love.
I told Rich that he still holds the love that Michelle had for him and the kids. His kids need that love. He has that gift to offer. Michelle made him the man he is, who will carry on her legacy by loving his kids.
Rich, I believe the love Michelle left you with will give you the strength to face the future. And God? Well, He’s right there beside you. Tell Him how you feel. He will bring others into your life to talk about Michelle and who will encourage you. Her memory and love will live on. What a beautiful legacy she has left for her family.
Yes, Rich, I see your heart, broken yet so big and full of love. You took a chance and hired a naive church lady and made her into a pretty good truck-selling lady. You also invested in a friend for life. My writing journey includes you. You knew back then I had lots to say. You just had no idea you would be reading my words all these many years later.
Life is hard. I don’t have answers to the hard questions about grief. I only know that God has been close to me when I have been brokenhearted. I can’t do it on my own.
Rich, thank you for believing in me, even if you scared the bejeebers out of me.
These are the thoughts this week from the church-going truck lady.
BTW, this column has been approved by Rich in the hope that it will help others who are on the grief rollercoaster.
Janet Hart Leonard can be contacted at janethartleonard@gmail.com or followed on Facebook or Instagram (@janethartleonard). Visit janethartleonard.com.