My cousin and I were about four or five years old. I thought it was my turn to write on her chalkboard. She would not give up her place in front of the chalkboard. It was hers, after all. Apparently, she had not been taught to take turns, but neither had I. I bullied her out of the way.
A loud argument ensued. She was a pincher. I was a hairpuller. We expressed our feelings loudly and with a bit of physical aggression.
I can still hear my mother’s gentle but admonishing words, “Girls, don’t be ugly.”
She separated us into “time out” corners and explained that we would not always agree, but we needed to treat each other nicely and respectfully.
Neither one of us would give up our chalk. We backed away from the chalkboard. I remember having to say I was sorry, as did my cousin. I don’t think we grasped precisely what my mother was trying to teach us. Neither do I think we were all that sorry.
This lesson was taught many years ago, and I will always hear my mother’s voice saying, “Don’t be ugly.”
Janet and her mother Audrey, whose wisdom prevails because it is timeless. (Photo provided by Janet Hart Leonard)
It took time and a few more admonitions from my mother to fully understand that when I believe I am right, I can be very wrong if I do not treat others with respect and civility when I disagree with them. I had to learn to disagree agreeably. I can stand my ground with grace and kindness. I can never bully someone into agreeing with me.
Mom was never one to raise her voice, but it had a bit of an edge as she got her point across. She also had the “Audrey look” whenever she had had enough. Neither my cousin nor I ever wanted to cross that look.
Mom taught me never to get into an argument with someone who is shouting or name-calling. Just because I am louder does not mean I am right. (And if the truth be known, the louder the voice, the less they are listened to.)
I noticed over the years how soft-spoken my mother was, but people leaned in to listen to what she had to say. She had a voice of reason. She would share her opinion yet never had any meanness in her if you disagreed. She would say some people were blind to their meanness, which was sad.
There is brilliance in the art of gentle persuasion. My mother had it. She also had a keen eye for seeing manipulation.
The truth is that it is very difficult to change anyone’s mind once it is set. Read that again. Reaching a compromise is a lost virtue … so it seems. Mom said that when people learn to compromise… everyone wins. Hmmm.
When it came to name-calling, that was also a big no-no in my mother’s do-not-be-ugly rule book. She said name-calling is like mud. Whenever you sling it, you will get some on you as well. She did say she thought a few people were funny-turned.
As I got older, she would also say, “Don’t stir manure because if you do, you will find yourself stinking as well.”
Mom said that a person’s true character rises to the top or sinks to the bottom when people disagree. Mom taught me that sowing discord only grows resentment and anger.
I miss my mom … and I miss her wisdom.
Who knew the power of her teaching me and my cousin not to be ugly …
Please Lord, help me see others with eyes of grace and kindness. Let my words heal and encourage. I pray my opinions never harm the heart of anyone.
I’m tired of the loud voices. I’m tired of the ugliness.
If only the loud and angry voices could be put in “time out” until they can learn not to be ugly. It worked for my cousin and me. I think it could make this world a lot kinder and less ugly.
Janet Hart Leonard can be contacted at janethartleonard@gmail.com or followed on Facebook or Instagram (@janethartleonard). Visit janethartleonard.com.