Do you ever go running into the future while carrying the “what-ifs?”
I am a runner. Before my friends start chanting, “Liar, liar, pants on fire,” let me explain.
When faced with a crisis, dilemma, or worry, I quickly run into the future. The what-ifs and worst-case scenarios become my obsession.
It’s as if I put on my worrying sneakers and run into the abyss of mental chaos.
I have my meals with the what-ifs. I take them to the grocery and hair salon. At night, they are tucked into bed with me.
While I have dealt with the worst-case scenarios and survived, I still struggle to face yet another one. The pit of my stomach knows the pain well. My mind is quite familiar with the worry files flipping their tabs.
I remind myself to breathe. Inhale four. Hold for four. Release a long eight. Release the tension.
While breathing in with a thought for strength. I go to one of my favorite scriptures:
Christ is the one who gives me the strength I need to do whatever I must do. Philippians 4:13 ERV
I hold that thought for four. 4, 3, 2, 1.
I breathe out anything negative and then remind myself who is in control.
Father God, help me let go of my worries in this moment. I remember your presence in the past, knowing you will be there in my future, but what matters is that you are with me in this moment. Amen.
Then …
The phone rings. The caller ID tells me the news isn’t good. Phone calls scare me. I seldom get bad news in a text.
I have a history of answering dreaded phone calls and immediately going into panic mode.
I remember where I was when I got terrible news.
It was September 1994. I remember the Harvest Gold phone attached to the wallpapered kitchen wall. I remember sitting in the antique church pew tucked in our kitchen. Lord, how did we get to this place? More importantly, where do I go from here? Help me, Lord, as I make decisions I never imagined having to make.
It was September 2006. The voice on the other end of the phone was choking with emotion. There’s been an accident. You need to get to the hospital. How much damage had been done? Could he be paralyzed? As I write this, my stomach cringes as I remember the details. My heart races as I remember the panic. The heart never forgets.
It was December 2020. My cell phone rang. When the phone rings in the middle of the night, it is never good news. Never. Janet, your mother is unresponsive, and we find no pulse. While I knew her death was imminent, I was not ready to be an orphan. COVID had me escorted out of her healthcare facility the night before. As I remember that night, my anger returns. Why would they not allow me to stay? Hurt and anger collide.
Photo provided by Janet Hart Leonard
Although I’ve visited the land of the “worst-case scenarios” many times, I find each visit is unique in its pain. The questions are different. The wounds of past fear and hurt are opened up again … and again.
My good senses tell me not to visit the land of “worst-case scenarios” before I get there, yet I can’t help but go there. I go there running.
I survived when the worst-case scenarios came to pass. I sometimes think I look like the Mayhem Guy. I look in the mirror and see the lines of worry embedded in my face.
I remember the anxiety, sorrow, and fear that gripped every inch of my being. Sleepless nights. Hearing the prognosis. Watching as the guys from Randall and Roberts Funeral Home come in with the gurney that would transport my mother’s body to the hearse and then to the funeral home.
Life would never be the same in each of these times.
That may be why I run toward the future with fear and trepidation about how my life and that of my loved ones will be changed. I grab onto sorrow before the worst happens. I enter into my day with such anxiety that I find myself distracted from what I should be focusing on.
I remind myself that I am okay at this moment. God is holding me. He is present. I am reminded of my history with God. I know what His presence feels like in my dark valleys.
This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10. NIV
There is strength to be found when I am at my weakest, even in the midst of my worry. My faith is so much a part of who I am.
I tend to grieve before the worst-case scenario comes to pass. Perhaps you do as well. I wish I had the perfect remedy, but I don’t. I do know my faith is an umbrella in my emotional storms. There is still emotional turbulence that scares the bejeebers out of me.
I remain steadfast in my faith that …
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalms 27:13-14 NIV
Those phone calls that make me push the panic button will again come from time to time. Bedside vigils will be held where the final earthly goodbyes are said.
All of this is part of life. I will continue to run into the future, carrying my what-ifs and directing my worst-case scenarios. It’s part of my being human.
But this one thing I know: God will be right there beside me.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4
While I am running into the future, I know who runs beside me. I can run my race well, pushing aside my fears and panic and living confidently that come what may … I will see the goodness of God. My history with Him tells me so.
Janet Hart Leonard can be contacted at janethartleonard@gmail.com or followed on Facebook or Instagram (@janethartleonard). Visit janethartleonard.com.