Bird’s eye view

I am not sure when exactly this started, but in the last few months, I have developed an irrational fear of hospitals.

Since I spent so much time in hospitals growing up, I have always felt strangely comforted when I would enter a hospital. I never really told anyone that because I was afraid they would think I was crazy. Recently though, just the thought of a hospital sends me into an internal panic.

Unfortunately, that is exactly where I found myself last week. I had to make a visit to the emergency room. I had an experience this time around that I had never had before. It felt like I was on set of one of the many medical shows that are out now. The day I had to visit the emergency room was a day they happened to be completely overwhelmed with patients needing care. So much so, that they had some beds set up in the hallways. There were people everywhere. It was mass chaos.

I had a unique view of it all. My bed that day, hall bed No. 2, was right up against the nurse’s station in the hallway. I had a bird’s eye view. Let us just say I heard a lot and saw even more. I will say that view took my mind off the anxiety I was feeling being there.

For three hours, I watched the hustle and bustle of the emergency room. I have been in an emergency room plenty of times in my life, but never really saw what went on outside of the little room I would be in. I was in awe of the dance they had perfected to keep it all together. It was truly fascinating to me. I learned so much that day about different medical conditions just by listening to it all. The beeping of all the monitors being observed in the nurse’s station is constant. Funny enough, you get used to it and it becomes background noise.

No one stops for one moment. They are eating their food on the go, barely having a moment to breathe. There is a lot of joking around between the doctors and nurses in passing, for survival I suppose. They were all so willing to help each other out, usually meeting a request before someone even spoke the need. I truly have a new admiration for those working in the emergency room. Multitasking is mandatory!

My experience, per usual, was doing a lot of correcting and educating on my end. Most doctors do not know much at all about muscular dystrophy and how that often plays a part in whatever issue I am having. As commonly happens, I was mistaken as having multiple sclerosis.

In the current age we live in, I was getting my test results in real time through my online chart, long before the doctor would come to tell me about them. On one of my test results, it listed me as having MS. I took the time to speak to the doctor about it because it is important when it comes to my treatment, and I do not want a misdiagnosis in my medical records. Luckily, he was open to discussing it. He told me that he had learned a lot about muscular dystrophy that day by reading my neurology notes. I was stunned that he had taken the time do to that as busy as he was.

Sometimes, the best way to conquer our fears is to be confronted with them head on. I cannot think of a more in-my-face way to face my fear than to be plopped down in the middle of it with no control at all. I cannot say that my new fear has been eradicated, but I surely have a different view of it. One that I do think will be helpful when working to resolve this fear. Another reminder that a lot of things are out of my control.

As I head into the new year, to be honest, I am feeling a bit of unease about many things in my life. I am certain that I am not alone. Life is tough in many different ways. Going into a new year, I am often reminded that I cannot set a big fitness goal to make myself stronger. I am reminded that I will likely have physical losses out of my control – a tough pill to swallow, but unavoidable when living with a progressive muscle disease. Something I must accept for now. Some days it is harder than others. Focusing on areas where I can make gains helps. I hope that you will give yourself some grace and self-love as you head into the new year. Be gentle with yourself.

Until next time …

Amy Shinneman is a former National Ambassador for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, disability blogger, wife, and mom of two boys. You can find her blog at humblycourageous.com and reach her on Instagram @ashinneman.