After a year and a half of journalistic excellence, my professional hard work has finally paid off. Forty-something in Fishers is fun and all, but I’ve been craving something more than just writing all this lighthearted stuff. BORING!!! The crime beat is really where my passions lie, and I stumbled across a doozy of a case. Finally, the breakthrough I’ve been waiting for!
It seems for many years, there has been a series of break-ins all over the world. The perpetrators are a truly terrifying crime syndicate led by one man. The case is a mysterious one because this man has been so elusive that authorities across the globe haven’t even bothered trying to find him. No one has been able to locate his hideout … until now.
The rumors of my investigation must have been brought to his attention, because he decided to allow me to interview him. It would require me to fly to his far away lair in a secret location and in some of the worst conditions. A true journalist knows no fear, so off I went.
I was contacted by one of the man’s colleagues, who goes by the code name “Sprinkle.” He told me the man I would be interviewing goes by the name “Nick.” I was to fly to Fairbanks International Airport in Alaska where Sprinkle would meet me and take me to Nick.
When I arrived, I thought I had been ghosted because there was no one there to meet me. I walked outside the airport and was almost run over by a sleigh pulled by a single horse with antlers. The man driving the sleigh identified himself as Sprinkle. I expected Nick’s henchman to be a little taller, but there was no mistaking his red and green striped cat-burglar outfit. The next thing I knew he blew some dust in my face and it knocked me unconscious. Devious indeed.
When I came to, I found myself in a large village. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. These short henchmen in uniforms were everywhere! How this operation has been so elusive with this many people involved is beyond me. I was taken to Nick’s “workshop,” which is clearly where his unscrupulous plots are concocted and trained for.
I was led to his office, where I found Nick waiting for me. It was time for me to get some answers. Here’s how the interview went:
Mighty Official Reporter Of News: So you are the infamous Nick?
Nick: Not so infamous, but yes.
MORON: How long have you led this crime syndicate?
N: Ho-ho-ho, there are no crimes committed here.
MORON: Well, of course the crimes are committed elsewhere, but this is where you plot and plan, is it not?
N: This is my workshop. There is no plotting, but lots of planning.
MORON: I see. What about all the homes you break into every year? And why on Christmas of all days, you sicko? And what is your primary loot on these larcenous rampages?
N: Christmas is a magical time of year, my dear boy. I slip into houses on Christmas Eve and leave presents for children all over the world. The only thing I take is a cookie.
MORON: Are you to have me believe you break into homes and take nothing? What, do you think you are some kind of modern-day Santa Claus or something?
N: Ho-ho-ho! I’m not only a modern-day Santa Claus … I am the Santa Claus.
MORON: Nice try, Nick. If you are Santa Claus, then what did you give me for Christmas in 1983? Answer that, smarty pants!
N: Oh yes, I remember it well. You were five years old, and I gave you a Jabba the Hutt Action Playset, complete with a working trap door.
MORON: Oh Sh*#. You’re Santa.
N: Ho-ho-ho, yes indeed.
MORON: Uh, can we forget this happened?
N: Yes, and while we’re at it, why don’t you forget this investigative reporting on the crime beat stuff and go back to your lighthearted Forty-something in Fishers? I really enjoy and look forward to reading that every month.
MORON: You’ve got it, Santa! And thanks for the column plug!
The moral of the story is … Be who you are, enjoy the holiday to its fullest and never forget the magic of Christmas. Oh, and if a jolly fat man invites you north of Alaska to have a chat … don’t accuse him of being the El Chapo of Christmas. He’s Santa.
Merry Christmas!!!
Tim Rathz can be reached at 40somethinginfishers@gmail.com. Follow on Facebook or Instagram.