From the Heart
My calendar had me meeting myself coming and going. I kept tripping over my feet as they tried to go in several directions, all at once.
My “to do” list looked like it was for a crew of energetic 20-year-olds, not a 60+ year old grandmother.
My shadow was being dragged home nightly. It was not happy with me.
Ten- and 12-hour days at work led to too many nights of missing Jeopardy. The answer was getting away and allowing my mind and body and soul to rest. I struggled with that answer.
Major guilt. It is as if resting is one of the “thou shalt nots” … in my mind.
Why is it so hard to allow myself to sit and read a 400-page novel, drink sweet tea and just chill? Add in a nap or two a day and I am consumed with guilt.
And so here I am, getting away for a few days. The weather is hot … Tampa hot. Two steps outside and the humidity scares me right back inside to the welcoming of the AC.
I sit for hours on the sofa, curled up with a Karen White novel recommended by my forever friend, author Susan Crandall, “dreams of falling.”
Chuck keeps pouring the sweet tea. We take a break late in the evening and head out on our bicycles to check out the Hunters Green neighborhoods.
Tampa is good for my soul. It is my place of gathering my thoughts, quietly. It is where my body has no agenda. It is where my soul is allowed to be still.
So for a few days I hit the pause button. Life slows down and I allow myself to rest.
I admit I struggle to do so. Chuck keeps telling me to GOI: Get over it. Get over the guilt of doing nothing. He reminds me I don’t have to be doing something, all the time, for everyone.
It is difficult for a caregiving, people pleasing, agenda driven person like me to be okay with resting. It always has been.
I have the “need to be busy” syndrome. It can be hazardous to my health – physically, mentally and emotionally.
Even my worries get in the way of my resting. My prayer list is longer than my grocery list. So many “as my’s”
As my son, Brandon, struggles to recover from his car accident. As my granddaughter, Alecksa, is in Italy for three weeks. As my mother has to rely on others while I am away. As my absence means that my coworkers must help with my customers.
Let’s just say that I have control issues. I do not like asking for help. I don’t like to burden others with my responsibilities. I juggle to make everyone happy all the while I am draining my happiness vessel.
And so I find myself exhausted. My husband recognizes my exhaustion.
So for a few days the good Dr. Leonard has prescribed lots of reading, resting and letting go of what I cannot control anyway.
I must say my body, mind and soul are feeling better. Even my shadow is happily following me.
Perhaps I’ll try to do more of this when I get home. Maybe I need to pay more attention to what the good Dr. Leonard has to say: Get over what you cannot control, being everything to everyone, trying to make everyone happy and feeling guilty when I fail to do the impossible.
I married a wise man … who also makes great sweet tea!