Dear Mr. Santa Claus (aka Kris Kringle, aka Saint Nicholas, aka Father Christmas),
I am writing today to discuss our mutual yearly agreement in which I do what is necessary to stay on the Nice List and, in turn, you provide free stuff. I would like to discuss the terms of our contract.
I understand that you don’t work pro bono, and I have certain obligations to fulfill for this contract, but I would like to make some revisions.
In the past, I have been responsible for not pouting or crying. I understand the reasoning behind this condition; however, I believe there should be some exceptions for this rule. I listed them below.
The Pouting/Crying clause shall be null and void under the following circumstances:
- The Colts, Hoosiers, Irish, or Pacers lose.
- Stepping on Legos while barefoot.
- When I don’t want to get up in the morning.
- When I have to go somewhere that I don’t want to go.
- Any time prior to morning coffee.
- When I don’t get my way.
- When my dog poops on my floor.
- During Hallmark Christmas movies.
This contract should be a living document that can change with time. I believe my demands are reasonable.
As a sign of good faith, and in exchange for previously mentioned “stuff,” I will continue to leave cookies and milk for you, as my amendment proposal for peanuts and beer was denied. I am also open to leaving apples or carrots for the Rangifer tarandus, aka reindeer.
I will avoid malfeasance on my part, but any accusations against me should be considered hearsay and not considered until properly vetted.
Below is a list of all “stuff” you shall provide once my contracted obligations are fulfilled.
- One fully funded vacation – this is reasonable.
- Six new grills and accessories – because there’s no such thing as too many grills.
- One new car – to keep up with the Jones.
- The beer and peanuts that you refused – why waste.
- A partridge in a pear tree – to see if you’re reading the fine print or just skimming.
- Five boxes of Cella’s Dark Chocolate Covered Cherries – if you know, you know.
- Some video games – please don’t tell my wife.
- Oh, and I guess peace on Earth and stuff like that.
I am willing to forgo all of these items if you bring a National Championship to IU football in January. Well, I guess not the peace on Earth and good will to blah blah blah. Although, in my opinion, a National Championship would indeed bring peace and good will and all that jazz.
If you are agreeable to these terms, please sign the document and return to me. If not, then you can reach me through the Law Firm of Moron and Moron.
Warm Regards,
Timothy P. Rathz (writer of the wildly popular, funny and famous Forty-Something in Fishers)
The moral of the story is … Google is great for finding legal terms for fake letters to Santa. Merry Christmas, everybody!!!
Tim Rathz can be reached at 40somethinginfishers@gmail.com. Follow on Facebook or Instagram.