From the Heart
My sense of security relies on me being able to control what goes on in my world. Whoa Nellie, oh how the reins have clearly been grabbed away from me in 2020.
I’ve always liked things to make sense. I like things organized. I like things done a certain way. I like to write in ink in my planner. 2020 has grabbed away all those things.
I like the corners of my bed sheets tucked in like I was taught as a candy striper at Riverview Hospital. That was a few years ago, yet I still like knowing my corners are tucked a certain way. Chuck always leaves the corners for me to do when he makes the bed. He knows.
I want the corners of my life straight and tucked. I don’t like them messed with.
I keep a planner on our kitchen table so I know what will happen on a certain day. I like the visual reminder. I hate when I have to mark out and mess up the look of my colored-coded days. 2020 has given every month the look of a test where the teacher marks what I did wrong on a test for which I never studied. So much wrongness. My planner looks ugly.
We have always gone to Florida every seven to eight weeks for about 10 days. We need our Florida family fix. Sadly, it had been seven months before we finally got on a plane last month and flew to visit them.
We wore a face mask and a face shield. We didn’t care how we looked. We just wanted to feel safe. Those things were our security. It was something we could control.
The truth is we can only control so much in our life. 2020 feels like we have handed over the remote to the evil guy in a horror movie. I never liked horror movies. I’m tired of hiding behind doors hoping the virus doesn’t find us.
We make plans and then at the last minute, we cancel them. Better safe than sorry. I’m so tired of having to think … is this safe? I’m even more tire of canceling plans.
I’m sure more things will not go the way I planned. I’m sure the corners of my life will be untucked and not to my liking.
But … I will continue to persevere. They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Let’s just say 2020 has a lot of kryptonite.
My need for sanity has led me to turning off the rhetoric of the news and stop scrolling Facebook’s political jabs and memes. I must control what I allow to enter my thoughts and hold them hostage. Some days are easier than others. I feel like I am constantly kung fu fighting in my brain.
I’ve started watching Hallmark movies, especially the Christmas ones where the hope of all things Christmas warms my heart and gives me a sense of security. A secure feeling that eventually we will live happily ever after. Hey, a lady can dream, can’t she?
I read novels that take me to places where good guys win and bad guys get their comeuppance. I like it when the final chapter makes everything okay.
I don’t know when or how I will, again, feel secure, but in a year where Katie cannot bar the door, I have to have hope. Hope that all will someday be well, even though sense cannot be made from it.
I hope Nellie and Katie and I have things under control soon. I’m holding tight to the reins and the bar and to hope. We will get there … I just hope it’s sooner than later.