There’s the ‘ole saying, “You don’t know how good you have it until you do not have it anymore.” I currently take a chemo pill on a daily basis that keeps my cancer from spreading and helps shrink the tumors. However, it is a chemo drug and it is very rough on the short term memory. It is incredibly frustrating to have “no idea” . . . I have written about this issue in the past, but it continues to cause me frustration.
It is like someone takes your “past” and “erases” it. For me, it is basically only “recent things” — thus, it is short term memory loss. For example, today I was going through some of my mail that I had laid out and some of them were invitations to high school graduations. I look at the invite and I “think” I have sent out a graduation present, but I honestly have no idea. I have found that I have to write “everything” down. I mean “everything.”
Furthermore, it can even be confusing when I am trying to figure out whether I have taken a pill. As I previously said, I take the chemo pill every day, but I also take eight more pills (three methylphenidate, three sertraline, and two calcium pills). Some of this medication is to deal with the side effects of the chemo pill. Tomorrow, I am getting a pill box because it is just too much to try to “remember” everything and it is an awful feeling when I think, “now did I take those pills today”? I am not a person that is used to taking so many meds. I never want to miss a pill, but I also do not want the side effects from taking two doses of pills.
I am also starting to write down “everything that I have done” for the day. It is one thing to write down what you are “scheduled” to do for the day, but I also have to write down when it is completed because there is still a good chance that I will get that awful feeling of, “now did I take those pills or did I forget?”
As I have said in previous articles, chemo brain can be brutal. It makes me feel like I have the memory of someone that is in their late 80s or early 90s. My biggest challenge is making sure I do everything that needs to be completed for my kids’ activities. Fortunately, they are very good at helping me schedule their activities. I hate for them to see me when I am “lost,” but they are used to it so they have done a fantastic job of taking on additional responsibility to help Mom.
Life is a journey and I saw a sign on Facebook the other day that said, “The key to success is playing the hand you were dealt like it was the hand you wanted.” Obviously, I can identify with this in a big way as I keep trying to come up with “tricks” that help with memory and make my life “normal.” I wish I did not have to deal with this disease, but I honestly think that playing sports has helped me learn to “compete” in a way that I “think” I can “beat cancer” or at least “live with it.” However, it is a constant challenge and requires a “can do attitude.”