The cancer journey is a long one and sometimes you are in a very difficult place and sometimes you are in a good spot. Currently, the hardest thing for me is short term memory loss. There is nothing worse than talking to your friends or relatives and having them say, “Don’t you remember — we just talked about that?”
Sometimes in life you get the fight or flight instinct… It is so frustrating to hear, “Don’t you remember our conversation?” I want to remember, I want to tell you every word that you told me… I “used” to be a really smart person. How could this happen? I search my brain and I have no idea, but I can tell by the look on your face that you must have already told me…
Here is a typical example… I am driving to an appointment in Carmel. The appointment moved offices so now I suddenly have to find a “different place”. I pull to the side of the street and activate Onstar. Luckily it has turn by turn directions which means a “person” will tell me where to go… I know I am not good at this — it’s been an issue ever since I started taking my chemo drug. I used to be so good with directions. What happened?
The other day I had to go to downtown Indianapolis and meet someone in a meeting room at the Hyatt Regency. As I arrived at the hotel, I realized that I had not taken my “memory drugs” that help my brain counteract the chemo drug and the anxiety that is caused by the chemo drug. It’s like a panic starts to build and I quickly put the pills into my mouth and rush to a drinking fountain. The pills are small so I thought I could almost swallow them without water. Bad idea — it burns the inside of my mouth. I go to my meeting with a burnt mouth and as I’m leaving my mouth is in pain. I rush to a McDonald’s and order a vanilla milkshake, a diet coke, and water. I down the vanilla shake and water trying to get relief… I end up throwing out the diet coke because it adds to the burn in my mouth.
I was getting ready to start my workout a few days ago and suddenly my shoe string breaks. There’s no way I can do this workout without being able to tie my shoestring. Thus, I run down to the sporting goods store that is three stores away and I only have like three minutes before my exercise class starts… I find a shoestring and explain to the clerk that I am working out for one hour and it starts right now. Can I pay the $2.50 as soon as my class is finished? I am three stores down — I did not have time to go out to my car to get my money. Here is my name and here is where I will be and I will come right back as soon as the class is over… She agrees that is fine. Ha, I am starting my workout and her manager comes into my workout facility and they point me out. Now I feel like a serious crook… They want me to leave a credit card on file so I sprint out to my car — get my credit card and tell her to keep it until the class is over. As soon as the class is over, I go down to the sporting good store and pay my $2.50 on credit card because of course, I am terrible at carrying cash — especially when I am exercising.
This is my life until the new meds kick in and help rebuild my memory. It is frustrating, sometimes embarrassing, and just a part of the journey. I will get through this, but as I go through this cancer journey, I realize how many things that we take for granted in everyday life. Memory is a blessing, and I now have a huge appreciation for this skill. I am trying to do everything possible to improve this skill.