What happened to them?

Every so often I see or hear something that resonates with me and makes me change my perspective. I came across a quote from Dr. Bruce Perry discussing childhood traumas. His message was instead of asking yourself what is wrong with this kid, ask yourself: what happened to this child? It is a simple thought, but truly profound when you stop and digest the meaning of it.

He was speaking about this from the lens of childhood trauma, but how many times as an adult can this apply to the way we interact with others? Rather than assuming someone has something “wrong” with them because they are different, ask yourself: why are they the way they are? My mom used to tell me growing up, you never know what happens in someone’s home when they close the door, so just be kind to people.

Imagine how much kinder of a world we would live in if we approached everyone who is different from us and rather than judging them or assuming the worst, we ask ourselves what has happened to them in their life to make them that way.

Maybe they aren’t rude – maybe they are shy because they had a parent who never validated them growing up and encouraged them to speak. Maybe they aren’t unkept and don’t care about their appearance – perhaps they are suffering from debilitating depression, and it was all they could do to even show up.

Maybe they aren’t aloof – maybe they are worried about someone in the hospital. Maybe they aren’t mad at you – they are frustrated with their own set of circumstances, and you were an easy target. Perhaps they don’t have the picture-perfect marriage that is documented on social media – maybe she is in an abusive relationship and is terrified of someone finding out.

Maybe she isn’t a bad mom – maybe she was never shown how to be a mother from her own experience as a child. Maybe he isn’t dramatic with loud sounds when you read the complaints on Next Door – perhaps there is a traumatic experience associated with military combat and those sounds bring back PTSD.

Maybe that person who is obnoxious on social media and thinks everyone is a captive audience for their life is riddled with insecurities and doesn’t have any real friends, so they seek validation from pretend “friends” because it makes them feel less alone.

Maybe that person who voted for someone different than you had a set of life experiences and upbringing different than you that made them believe things and see the world differently than you. Maybe they aren’t stupid or bad people – maybe they just have a different opinion and believe in their heart that they are right.

Maybe she is always late because she is a single mom and doing the best she can. Perhaps it’s not that she doesn’t think being on time is important.

Maybe that lady at the grocery store who seems judgmental of your loud children actually isn’t. Maybe she actually really does love kids, but she’s struggling with infertility and she is uncomfortable around children because it makes her sad to see you with yours.

Maybe the server at the restaurant who forgot your order is pre-occupied or just got a call about their child and is worried.

Maybe she isn’t just a sloppy drinker every time you get together – perhaps she is riddled with anxiety and has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Maybe that obese person you see isn’t lazy – they are a victim of childhood sexual abuse and food was the way they helped mask the pain.

Maybe the guy down the street who seems grumpy and always has his lights off for Halloween is grieving the loss of his own child from years before.

It’s easy to sit on our perch and judge everyone. We all are guilty of it. Sometimes when you stop and think about why someone is the way they are – you can realize that there is a story to every single person you meet. “Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

Megan Rathz is a wife, mother, and teacher. She says everything she has ever learned in life came from her Master Gardener mother.