“How I Broke This,” episode 8: Westfield Wingless Chicken Ranch

INTRODUCTION V.O.: Ineptitude … Failure … Inanity … Stupidity … MURDER! … MURDER!!… MURDER!!! This is How I Broke This.

SFX: (cartoonish broken spring) BOINGGGGGGG.

GUY RAZZ: I’m Guy Razz, host of How I Broke This. Not to be confused with that other podcast by that other guy, Guy Raz, called How I Built This. Welcome to my narrative journey about business ineptitude and the failed leaders who failed to learn from their failures. Listen as my guests reveal what led to their crushed entrepreneurial spirits – and hopefully, they’ll reference a murder or two to boost my dismal ratings.

V.O.: MURDER! … MURDER!! … MURDER!!!

GUY: Our guest today is Lagina Bleeding-Heart, founder of the former Westfield Wingless Chicken Ranch.

LAGINA: I’m a huge Razz Head, so it’s a thrill to be here (here) (here) (here). I had no idea your podcast studio was in your backyard (yard) (yard) (yard). I didn’t expect so much echo (echo) (echo) (echo).

GUY: Well … we are inside an aluminum shed (shed) (shed) (shed). It landed here two tornado seasons ago (ago) (ago) (ago). When the storm cleared, I saw it standing here right-side up and immediately thought, PODCAST STUDIO (studio) (studio) (studio). I always wanted to have my own podcast. It’s not exactly Marc Maron’s garage, I know, but clearly the shed was a sign from God (god) (god) (god). Pardon me while slide open the rusty door some. That usually eases the echo.

SFX: God-awful fingernails on chalkboard sound.

GUY: There. Perfect. So, for starters, what in the world is a wingless chicken ranch?

LAGINA: A refuge. Did you know that 1.45 billion chicken wings were devoured in the U.S. during the last Super Bowl? It’s quite diabolical, really, this conspiracy involving an under-the-table pact between the NFL and the FFN.

GUY: FFN?

LAGINA: Factory Farm Nation. Think about it, Guy. 1.45 billion chicken wings equates to 72,500,000 innocent wingless chickens being robbed of their God-given right to fly.

GUY: I didn’t even know chickens could fly.

LAGINA: The longest recorded flight of a modern chicken lasted 13 seconds for a distance of just over 300 feet.

GUY: 300 feet? Wow, Boeing can’t even build an aircraft to stay up that long.

LAGINA: The plight of these poor wingless chickens plumb broke my vegan heart. I had to do something to fight these Tyson tycoon types and help put the spotlight on these maimed creatures. So, we bought a ranch.

GUY: Your husband was OK with this?

LAGINA: I’m 45 years younger than Virgil. He lets me get away with murder.

V.O.: MURDER! … MURDER!! … MURDER!!!

GUY: Funny that you mention murder. Per chance, Mrs. Bleeding-Heart, have you ever committed a murder? People love murder podcasts. I sure could use a ratings bump.

LAGINA: Sorry, Guy, but no. When I first met Virgil, he was a meat eater. It only took one date to turn him vegan – this at a German restaurant even!!! I Wiener schnitzel-shamed him.

GUY: Your organization was the world’s first non-profit 501(c)(3) to provide food, adoptions, and technical training to wingless chickens. Training? Really?

LAGINA: Chickens are intelligent. We taught them to use their beaks to play tic-tac-toe, thus providing employment opportunities with the traveling carnival circuit. Some learned to play checkers and were promoted to the popular Pecker Checkers carny booth.

GUY: How popular was your Adopt A Wingless Chicken program?

LAGINA: The first month, we adopted out 10,000 wingless chickens. It doubled the second month. Tripled the third! I thought we were going to surpass the pandemic puppy craze. Unfortunately, to my horror, I learned that our chickens were actually being adopted by a buyer for a McDonald’s franchise.

GUY: Don’t tell me …

LAGINA: Yes, although a wingless chicken might not have wings, it still has its precious nuggets! I realized I had become an unwitting cog in the grinder wheel of our Meat Eating Nation. Now, because I meddled with the fast food chain, somewhere out there, there are thousands of homeless chickens that not only are wingless but they also suffer the indignity of not even having their nuggets. PETA picketed us.

GUY: So, the Chicken Nugget was your downfall?

LAGINA: Not totally, Guy. I was so busy rescuing wingless chickens that I neglected Virgil. He left the house a lot. I accidentally found him hiding in our bedroom closet. He looked surprised. I pulled him out. I hugged him. Broken-spirited, I needed his comfort. I kissed his old man lips despite him trying to pull away. He looked guilty about something. That’s when I had my first taste of lemon pepper sauce! Virgil had been sneaking carry-out bags of chicken wings into our house like contraband. One taste of his lemon peppered lips and I was hooked! There are so many tasty sauces: buffalo, barbecue, honey mustard, teriyaki, garlic parmesan … NASVILLE HOT WINGS! After that, I couldn’t get enough chicken wings! Veganism is for the birds! Due to my conflicting emotions, I couldn’t in good conscience provide refuge for wingless chickens whose wings I was eating.

GUY: Lagina, the interview isn’t over. Why are you leaving?

LAGINA: Sorry, Guy. I’m late for the grand opening of Westfield Hot Wings and Chicken Necks, our new business venture.

Email Scott at scottsaalman@gmail.com.