By SCOTT SAALMAN
Scaramouch
Step 1: Sit down.
Step 2: Stand up.
Step 3: Go to cabinet for Fritos.
Step 4: Repeat Step 1.
Step 5: Hate self for eating Fritos.
Step 6: Think to self, “There are still more Fritos in cabinet.”
Step 7: Repeat Step 2 and Step 3.
Step 8: Go to gym to overcome Frito guilt.
Step 9: Think to self, “I should have Fritos to reward myself for going to gym.”
Step 10: Repeat Step 3.
Step 11: Repeat Step 1.
Step 12: Move sleeping cat off laptop keyboard.
Step 13: Think to self: “Wait a minute! I don’t even own a cat!”
Step 14: Close front door accidentally left open when going to gym, which enabled stray, feral cat to enter.
Step 15: Repeat Step 11.
Step 16: Think of first word to type.
Step 17: Type the word “The.”
Step 18: Delete “The” and replace with “A.”
Step 19: Replace “A” with “The.”
Step 20: Delete “A.” Type “I.” First person is best.
Step 21: Ponder second word until becoming distracted by Frito finger grease on keys.
Step 22: Repeat Step 3.
Step 23: Remove Frito-crumb-faced stray, feral cat from cabinet. Deal with disappointment at finding Fritos bag empty. Remind self to close cabinet door next time so cat doesn’t get in.
Step 24: Repeat Step 1.
Step 25: Repeat Step 12.
Step 26: Lick Frito grease from keyboard when cat not looking.
Step 27: Look at letter “I” on computer screen.
Step 28: Feel pleased with first word choice for new column. “I” is a good start. It opens you up for great opportunity.
Step 29: Remember Hemingway’s advice on writing: “When you are going good, stop writing.”
Step 30: Stop writing.
Step 31: Save file.
Step 32: Repeat Step 1 tomorrow. See where it takes you.
What can I say? Column writing is not pretty.
Email Scott at scottsaalman@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter @SaalmanScott.